Glaswood

Like my spin on Hollywood? No? It was a pretty crap attempt really eh? My reason for the film reference is because the center of our home City has turned into a whopping great film set! Oh yes Mr Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are staying here this next week or so for his new movie Z something or another. Thats not the actual name it does have the letter Z though...

Our streets turned into Philadelphia 

Taxi!

Stop

Carnage

So I have yet to see Mr Pitt yet but tbh I am more of a Jolie fan... 

In other star spotting news I attended my mums gym and Billy Boyd was in our power yoga class. The class at my mums gym was okay but the aircon was left on and it was bloody freezing. My usual Sunday class was great as the teacher got out this big bag and emptied it on the floor it was all these pretty shells for us to meditate on. The child in me was like 'coooool' and after meditation I felt really good and had yet another great sleep. Cheers yoga!

Another magic muffin from Sarah :)

In other news this moving malarky is stressful and I have my first ever half marathon in 10 days. I have covered 15 miles before so I am not concerned about the actual distance but due to my good 10k time I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to get another good time. If I ran my 10k pace for the half then I'm pretty sure I'd fall down mid way through. It doesn't help that I feel a lot of pressure from fellow gym people not just with running but in general. People constantly congratulate me on my over exercising I feel encouraged all the time and like I am actually good at something. Its like a sense of achievement, a purpose and makes me feel like I'm not a waste of space. On the other hand though I am at risk of running myself literally into the ground. If I take a day off people get all 'Where have you been? Slacking off?' which ignites any guilt I already carried or the kinder ones say 'WELL DONE' like taking one day off makes everything okay again when really I feel continually trapped. Sometimes I despise exercise because I'm so exhausted but I do love it at the same time. Its such a twisted web and I'm in this cycle that has become increasingly worse this past month or two. I feel like whatever I do is never enough but understand its also too much. Others never say the right thing and I have no control over that and I have no idea what would make me feel good. Mm! I can feel myself going off on a tangent so I'll stop rambling for now because it doesn't make sense in my own head never mind trying to make anyone else understand...

There is 5 more days of filming in Glasgow so there is a possibility I'll run into a Hollywood star over the weekend. The remainder of the weekend will involve packing, tidying and feeling pretty displaced in among removal boxes. Argh!

Love

Rest

I don't know who else to talk to but I'm having a meltdown and my mums driving over to come pick me up (at least I hope so). I woke up this morning and went back to sleep, got my running things on, fell asleep and I'm just so done. I phoned my mum to ask if it was okay if I didn't run today and have just been bawling ever since.

I haven't taken a 'rest' day properly in... I can't remember how long. People take one weekly and I can't seem to get my head round doing that. God! I'd be lucky if I allowed myself one yearly. I need this but I feel sick with myself. I know if I head to the gym I'll set myself up for  a week of crying in the toilets and feeling worse than before oh yeah! let us not forget making a complete idiot of myself which I'm dead good at ;)

I don't really know the purpose of this post but I'm really struggling and have let everything overcome my every being again. I know this isn't an easy path and its would be simpler to just give up and give in to the disorder. I would also be selfish, destructive and weak to run off down the path of anorexia instead of facing thing. Fighting it rather than submitting will hopefully bring me to a better place than I find myself now...

Overdue

So I have been meaning to update ALL week but I've been in a funny place & I'm only getting round to it now. 2 hours 9 minutes for the Swimathon... not half as bad as I was expecting! knocked a good 16 minutes off my time so I'm pretty pleased. Considering I couldn't kick off properly because of the blasted tendentious (leave my knees alone) Would of liked to have got under the 2 hours but there is always next year...

I am feeling pretty low about the lack of treatment I am going to receive and the fact that my key nurse may be taken away. The thing about my eating disorder is that its actually a symptom of my other mental health problems. You see I don't tend to talk about my other 'issues' in fear of coming across like a complete attention seeker or fear of being judged. Its something that needs addressing though as an eating disorder doesn't just appear one day y'know? I've always struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. In fact even as a child I never felt quite 'right' and was very dependent on my parents. Its a shocker I actually moved out on my own because I was always so close to my family. I have become a complete pro at faking it and acting completely 'fine' sometimes I'm almost elated. My mood is like a pendulum as I can feel very productive, happy, excitable and have lots of plans. As quickly as this burst of joy came it can rapidly disappear and result in tears, low motivation and very much a can't be bothered approach. Sometimes this can last a few weeks other times it goes on for prolonged periods. Many labels have been thrown about from aspergers, bi polar to borderline which leaves me feeling even more screwed up. The borderline one gets me especially because I know people with this and I don't feel I fit the criteria at all. Labels shmabels I guess! Anyway whatever the underlying issue is I need the support to deal with it and through all the changes I have always had this one consistent person over seeing my care. From the hospital admissions, various referrals, medical admissions, family breakdowns and a whole host of other things. Now because of my stupid eating disorder consuming me I'm going to lose that key worker that has helped hold me up when times have got really tough. I understand I can't become dependent on one person and I never would because at the end of the day I can only change and look after myself. It doesn't stop me from feeling a little at a loss though and wondering if there is a cure or better way of life with this dreadful illness.

I am feeling pretty run down and hate to be miss negative so lets take a look at the brighter things in life. The weather! Its been a glorious week with sunshine and we have had some almost t shirt weather. Has spring sprung? Is Summer approaching? I certainly hope so.

I ran a half marathon on Tom my favourite treadmill in the gym

Met my wonderful friend for diet cokes & coffee in a russian cafe

The bathroom has lovely decor walls and I couldn't resist taking a snapshot

Shopping trips with mother managed to score 3 nike tops for £10 

I have also been studying a lot and looking after my poorly cat as he was a bit unwell this week. He is on the mend though so worry not! My wallet however has taken a beaten but its for Darcy kitty and he is much more settled than he was last weekend :)

This weeks plans

Study 

Seeing my Dad! He is coming to Glasgow!

Charity shopping with my favourite bargain hunter

Decorating my bedroom (yes its going to be PINK)

Usual appointments

Running if my legs allow it

Try to BLOG a little more

Purrr

Darcy hasn't featured on my bloggy for a while so he thought he would drop by and say 'meow' <3

This week has been mediocre in fact its been a little bit worse than that but I don't want to bring everyone down right before the weekend. I tend to hold back here because I worry about triggering others and would worry if anyone thought what I did was right. Without going into detail its fairly obvious I've been stuck for a while and have deteriorated mentally these past few months. I'm concerned about expressing where I'm really at because I don't move forward and feel like I've hit a brick wall. The upshot of this is it looks like the majority of support and guidance is going to be taken away. This terrifies, upsets and makes me question a lot. Firstly I have the whole 'I'm not bad enough to get help which is why its being taken away' but I understand thats not really the case. Its a combination of things like lack of funds, the pros haven't been able to help and I've actually got worse rather than better  and the most vital is that I have no idea what I want. I would like to say I see myself doing this, that and the next thing but I genuinely have lost hope, drive and motivation. Fuck... reading a book and updating the blog seems taxing at times which is hilarious considering the amount of miles I'm reaching each week. Joking aside I really don't know where I go from here and I feel really caught in a tight web of destruction and because my positivity dwindles I feel pretty darn hopeless. 

In other news I have the swimathon tomorrow which I'm dreading because given my injury my time is likely to be worse than last year and swimming 5k last year was hard enough. Then again its the taking part that counts and I've raised some money for marie curie!  I get to see mother which always brightens me up when we spend short periods of time together. I say short because being SO alike we start to collide and end up going in a cream puff with one another. I do love the times I get to see my mother because she is quite good at cheering me up with her kooky crazy ways. 

Uh yeah. I need to foam roll and stretch it out with some yoga so for now I'm signing off.

Love Love Love

Comments

I just need to get this off my chest and I hands up admit that some of my irrational mind translates these throw away remarks in a downright irrational negative way but sometimes people should THINK before they speak.

"OMG you have gained so much weight" Nobody wants to hear this.

"You don't LOOK like you have an eating disorder" Yeah because its a mental illness

"I know so & so and they have a problem whereas you... you look much healthier" Crazy I know but that just translates as fat to me. Sadly I do enough comparing on own and don't need other people to do it for me.

"Have you gained yet?" None of your god damn business

"Your face looks really puffy" Probably because I've been crying (again)! In my mind I just heard... "Your face got really fat"

In the gym... "Slacking off are you?" "Go a bit faster" "Work harder" k thanks for your input but my mind repeats these every minute of the day I don't need them vocalised.

A really irrational one on my behalf but "You look so WELL" just makes me feel like hell. Its a compliment but it stirs up so much in my mind its unreal.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve really does come at a price sometimes but I won't become glued to a heart rate monitor to count every bleeding calorie because of daft comments. Its just not worth it really is it...?

Starsign

Sagittarius

I was waiting in the Docs office today and I had read the newspaper cover to cover so boredom struck and I read my starsign. Now I don't tend to believe in that sort of thing because it is so general but the above probably hits the nail pretty firmly on the head for me right now.

New Gadget

iPhone 4 baby!

My 3G went on the blink after 2 years of good use and it was time for a new contract so I went with my honey apple and got an iPhone 4. Its pretty super but thats to be expected. I am really pleased with the camera as I usually lug my Canon round which is purrty darn heavy so it tends to stay in the house (tsk naughty blogger). So expect more pictureful updates and apologies in advance as you will probs get kitty overload as Darcy loves to pose for photos.

In other news I've had two weeks of physio and got a roll of kenesio tape (pink obviously) which has helped a LOT. I don't want to become too dependent on the tape though and the joke floating round my gym is that I'll turn up like a mummy wrapped up in the stuff. I managed a good 10 miler this week and in my sweaty mess realised I had my running leggings on BACK TO FRONT... total fail! I expect nothing more from me though as I can be quite the dizzy head.

I've had numerous other appointments and got the dreaded blood test results which confirmed I'm anemic again. I'll need to get my Popeye on and down some spinach asap! I had an incline that I was lacking in iron as I was feeling really exhausted and had the whole paler than usual look. It probably contributed to my complete break down last week too so again I probably have to look at my nutrition and make some big improvements. It probably goes without saying that this is going to be a struggle as I feel like I eat too much and don't need any more. However its blatant that this is a typical ED thought and I need to try and get the negativity under control.

A mention to the wonderful Laura for some of the great inspirational posts of late :) you have brightened my blogroll many a times this week!

The Verdict

I have tendonitis which can you believe derived from doing too much?! Yeah doesn't take a brain surgeon to work that out.

I managed to get in a nice long run yesterday which was fairly pain free and swimming was completely pain free but the walk to my physio appointment hmm... boy! did that hurt! Climbing the stairs kinda went like so... ow owwa ow eee. Paaainful! Anyway I seen Rachel from the sports therapy team and after a bit of analysis she said she would need to get 'the big guy' in for a second opinion. Turns out the big guy wasn't so big and he quizzed me on my running basically sounded me out from the word go. He asked what help I was getting and said he wasn't going to advise me to stop running as he understood that would be too hard. We agreed to cut down the epic long runs to one a week, no body attack, more stretching, as little impact exercise as possible and not to make up for mileage by swimming more. He also suggested I took on some supplement drinks and was really understanding. It was nice to meet a health professional that didn't fob me off as some crazed starving girl and understood that I do enjoy running and its not purely to burn calories. I was given an ultrasound on both knees and he wants me to go back next Friday for a follow up appointment.

I can't tell you how relieved I am! I really thought it was shin splints or worse... a stress fracture so as much as tendonitis is painful its not as bad as it could of been. Its another warning light though and came at the right time as admittedly the exercise addiction was spiraling out of control again. It is bad enough as it is but there was that nagging part of me that thought 'just a little more' but I know by now thats what ED's thrive on. Anything I do will never be enough to satisfy those negative thoughts and I just need to remember to try my best to challenge that horrible feeling that right now hangs around me 24/7. I will just live in hope that this does get easier and that this knee problem is the end of ailments and not just the start.

Time out

First Green Monster

2 cups of Spinach

1.5 cup of alpro soy light

1 Banana

Ice

Thats right guys I finally got round to making a green monster and I was disappointed. Sorry guys! Blog world raves about these little scary's but it just didn't float my boat. I know there are lots of variations so perhaps thats where mine went wrong but lets face it the colour is wrong and I believe colour affects my taste buds. So yes! A pink monster would probably make me happier... suggestions please?!

I took the rest of yesterday off and by god it dragged by! After catching up on sleep with an epic nap I woke up and was tempted to just go a run anyway but the pain was still bothering me and mentally it would of been a stupid idea. Instead I cleaned! I finally got round to pulling out my cooker and fridge to hoover and clean round the back, I re organised my cupboards, cleaned the bathroom, tidied my lounge, yeah you get the picture right?

So I have a tidy flat and today I am going for a work out which I am looking forward to. Admittedly I did let my blip effect my eating quite substantially so I'll try to not push it hard and ease myself back in. I strongly advise if you are you feeling discouraged or no longer enjoying physical activity then take a big step back. I may have taken a day and in the grand scheme of things that is nothing but it gave me some headspace to look at what I was doing and reach out to you lovelies. Thank you so much for all your support it means a lot and reading your emails made me feel miles better. 

The awful feeling about myself is still hanging around me but I'm trying to move past it and no doubt I will hear something in the next day or so that upsets me (hell most things make me cry these days). The difference is I have voiced how I'm feeling and don't feel as alone as I did when I posted yesterday.

Ps. Sport physio appointment booked for 4 pm :) 

Burnt Out

I have just done double spin and went to the gym to run and I just couldn't do it. I just feel pretty darn terrible right now... I have a cracking headache, sore joints, painful knees and I think I've hit a wall. I am so exhausted and I am so scared to take one day off... The last time I took a day off was when I was taken to hospital and didn't have a choice in the matter. In fact the past few years the only time I have taken a day off is because I was carted off to the hospital.  Its kinda funny really well its not but hey! least I can laugh about the fact I'm 100% bananas.

On a serious note though I feel extremely rough and I am living in the fear that I'm going to aggravate injury which will stop me from running. People suggest cross training and thats fine for some people but I pretty much have this all or nothing attitude and feel like if I can't run then there is no point in doing any exercise. Running and swimming are my two need to do activities to feel like I've worked out and I can't seem to shift that feeling right now. It would be good if I could shift the negativity because the way my knees are feeling I won't be able to run for much longer.

Everything has just become too much of late and I am struggling more than a little. Basically I keep comparing myself to others and its making me really hate my own body and scrutinize each and every detail of myself. I am so hyper aware of this feeling that if anyone dare say anything that reinforces this feeling then I go into complete meltdown. I have cried so many times this past week over itty bitty things and just can't cope with feeling so emotional especially in front of people. It makes me feel weak and silly or a pathetic attention seeker. To avoid the latter I put my head down, went to my locker, got my things and cycled home with tears streaming down my face hoping if anyone seen they would believe it was rain splash.

Weight wise I have stayed the same and although I know I need to gain weight I don't want to. If people comment on my weight I get this horrible lurch in my stomach and I just feel sick. I don't know how I am going to push past this feeling to get to a better place and I can't expect the world to tip toe round me. However I do wish people would keep their weight related comments to themselves and mind their own business. Good, bad or indifferent I just don't want to hear comments on my appearance at all. I pick apart myself as much as it is and don't need people to confirm my disordered thoughts as it triggers me to  attack myself. Which leaves me the only loser at the end of the day and I can't keep beating myself up like this because I no longer have a life as it is and the harder I am on myself the more miserable I will be.

So how do I change it? How do I push past this woe is me feeling? How do I deal with weight issues? How do I deal with the comments? I have no idea and from past experience these overwhelming thoughts will pass but when you are stuck in it like I am right now it feels desperately sad and lonely.

Sorry for this open my heart to the world post but I just can't keep these feelings locked up and hope by opening up a little more then perhaps I can start to heal.

Giveaway

As part of NEDA week Beat have teamed up with UK high street store New Look to sell pink and blue watches to raise awareness. I got not one but two today one for myself and one for you! This is my first giveaway and I think its a great cause so how do you enter you ask?!

There are four ways to enter:

1) What colour would be your first choice? Blue or Pink?

2) Tweet or Facebook this then let me know 

3) Add me to your blogroll and comment to let me know 

 4) Link this post and let me know

The winner will be announced on Monday the 28th of February.

Good luck and lots of love!

A Daisy Chain Dream

As part of NEDA I spoke to my dear friend Laura who agreed to share her story about he ED. 

Describe your eating disorder and how you think it started? 


It started with a "diet" when I was 15, I was obese to start with and lost a lot of weight, eating very little rapidly but because I was large to start with people really did assume it was a diet, or I was losing puppy fat. It took me a couple of years of restricting to varying degrees to realise it was a problem and there were periods of a semi recovery during that. Things really spiralled when I was 17, I experienced other mental health problems and fell in to a spiral of impuslive behaviours, including Bulimia. Two years on for that I after several medical admissions I went in to IP treatment and beat the Bulimia and again, had some kind of semi recovery, went to college and lived a bit. Toward the end of 2009 I was feeling lost and out of control and Anorexia crept in again, at it's worst, I think out of all the years, eventually leading to another IP. But out of all of this, the root cause?! I still don't know.

Were you aware you had a problem?


 I think semi aware, because I was eating so much less than my friends and experiencing skewed thought patterns but I was very much in denial, it wasn't until a few years later that I "came clean" both to others and myself.

Do you feel you were given support? 


When I asked for it, yes. I've been very fortunate in the support I've had from my family and friends, and for the most part, professionally. It's hit and miss with the NHS and it seems to come in fits and starts, but when it's there the support has been great.

What brought you towards recovery? 


Around Christmas 2009 I realised I was literally sitting around waiting to die. The death of a friend from Anorexia that January made me realise how much that would affect my loved ones, and how much I didn't want that. It seemed to ignite some kind of drive in me and eventually I got the help I needed.

Is recovery possible?


I'd like to think so. Personally, I believe I will always have a part of me in the grip of Anorexia, but right now I would also say I'm recovered, I'm eating and functioning, working and living, I just..still have to battle that inner voice 24/7. I know many people who have fully recovered, so all in all, yes it is possible and I don't mean to sound pessimistic.

What do you think would help others battling an Eating Disorder? 


Support at the inbetween phase. It seems to be very all or nothing (well, in my area at least), your either at rock bottom and in need of emergency care, or doing something pro-active like CBT. I'm at a stage where neither is right for me (and I've spoken to other people at the same point) and our NHS care is being withdrawn at a time where we need it most to cope with day-to-day life and staying on an even keel.

How do you feel now? 


Tentative but hopeful. This is the best it's been for years. Physically I'm healthier than I've been in years and mentally I have come on leaps and bounds and doing things I never thought possible. On the bad days I do feel like this won't work and I can't be better, but 80% of the time I feel hopeful about my future.


Laura is a true inspiration to me and to others and very brave for sharing her story. Thank you for being incredible and strong it goes without saying I love you! 


Don't forget you can donate to the cause at beats webpage and if you would like to share your experience please do get in touch butterflyshapes@gmail.com

Wednesday Warrior

Arielle was the first recovery blog I came across and it was a welcome relief to find someone positive and motivating compared to some of the stuff I've come across while looking for help. As mentioned previously its National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and the lovely Arielle has agreed to share her story with my readers.  Please follow the links below to hear Arielle's personal story and please check her blog for lots more information on recovery and struggles faced when dealing with an Eating Disorder.   

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

 Part Four

 Thank you so much to Arielle and heres to you our Wednesday Warrior :)

Male Anorexia

Eating disorders tend to be associated with females which irks me beyond belief! Men struggle too and the pressure on males is just as bad as females have to endure.

Please if you have a moment watch Bryans journey through recovery. It shows a very sick man flourish and proves it is possible to battle against your eating disorder.

This story really resonated with me and made me realise you CAN turn things around and I just think how wonderful this man is for how far he has come and actually challenged anorexia rather than taking the easy route of simply giving in to the disorder. A true inspiration :)

NEDA

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

This is something I am very passionate about and if you want to help and support the cause please visit beats webpage to donate or if you are struggling with any eating disorder or know of someone with an ED the page has a lot of support and advice to offer. 

This week I want to try to raise awareness and for people to speak up about Eating Disorder and the effects of living with one. If you want to share you story please email me as I have a few posts relating to this matter all week and need your help to dispel the eating disorder myths and reveal the truth about ED's. 

butterflyshapes@gmail.com

Anorexia Kills

Isabelle Caro 12/11/82- 17/11/10

This blog post may cause a bit of controversy but I am sick to the back teeth of receiving emails and comments from the 'pro anorexic' movements. I have never and never will agree with any of the 'help' they have on offer as I have enough negativity flowing in my mind without it being reinforced thank you very much. The above is what happens to those that suffer at the hands of anorexia... they die.

I remember when I first encountered the term pro anorexia... my first year at university, second day on lunch break I was trying to do the social thing and wound up making 'friends' with what could only be described as a total idiot. This particular idiot stated we should all 'boycott lunch' to be good 'pro ana's'. What?! I didn't understand and goggled the term when I got home that day. I was positively shocked and disgusted at what I found! People were advocating eating disorders with hints, tips and tricks alongside thinspiration photographs. It is still happening and it truly is sick and disgusting. One particular woman that will always stand out in my mind is the emaciated images of Isabelle Caro many of these pro anorexics were using this very ill undernourished female as an idol. Anorexia is a distorted horrid illness that you don't pick and choose to have and from some of the things I have read people were hoping yes hoping to get an eating disorder. I would love to see a stop put to theses websites and for people to understand that anorexia or any other form of ED is not a choice.

The true reality of where anorexia will get you is a box in the ground six feet under. Isabelle Caro who was used in the campaign against anorexia died very recently at the young age of 28. That is what this vicious illness will do to you and if you are one of those people looking for clarification that its okay to starve or whatever please look else where.

Stop pro anorexia

Lush

Total lack of words in my last post so I am more than likely going to make up for it in this update ;) you have been warned!

Today the gym re opened which was a welome relief! I missed swimming a lot and the two days out of my routine made me quite the anxious mess. I realise a lot of that is eating disorder related and just tried to be strong and kept in mind that it was only 2 days and not the end of the world. Admittedly I did got out a run in treacherous conditions, slipped, fell and hit my hip off the concrete. When the City has become an ice rink it is not sensible to go running. Luckily I was the only lunatic out running about and nobody was around to witness my comical fall. I came across a new park and I noticed some swans huddled by a tree which informed me that the smooth bit of 'land' was in fact a icy pond. Don't worry I used common sense and found a relatively safe football pitch to do some laps.

Later I hit up the Christmas sales which were disappointing to say the least but I did get...

Snow fairy! It smells lush... funny that?

Every shopper looked like bambi as the ice was actually lethal! I am so over this Winter weather!

This weeks plan

Proper home clear out in time for the end of 2010
Some writing
Preparation for NYE
Stretch (seriously need to do this more often)
Wear pretty clothes as I tend to kick about in gym gear 99.9% of the time

Getaway

Last weekend I escaped Glasgow and took a trip to Inveraray. It was a little rainy but I had a lovely little day out and discovered a cute cafe called brambles that served good coffee. 

The week that followed has been horrible and I swayed about posting about this but I think I need to for myself also to show others that including an eating disorder in your life is not worth the pain or hassle. I think anorexia had me under the illusion I was doing miles better... I was doing a little better but not as much as I should be. I relapsed for two days and my body decided to give in and sent me packing to hospital again :( 

My haemoglobin dropped to dangerously low because of malnutrition and I was prodded with needles and experienced lot of discomfort not to mention a dreadful nights sleep. It was basically a hellish horrible experience that I want to avoid at all costs. This means challenging my negative thoughts and overcoming them long before I wind up in a situation like that again. Continuing the way I have been is just going to lead to life time of scenarios like the above or worse. Its no way of life and I need to push on forward to pull myself out of this. I am just grateful I had two of my wonderful friends there to support me and words cannot describe how thankful I am to have such amazing people in my life.

Its been a while since I have blogged so I will include a mixed mash of photographs of the past few weeks...

Vanilla yogurt cereal mess

Cous Cous with veggies and salad

Amusing grape (random I know)

Mothers Autumn Garden

So its been a stressful few weeks and there can be no slips with my food intake or tacking on extra milage to runs because I cannot afford to become poorly and let this illness continue to dominate my life.  

I don't know if I am being too open about things but I feel this blog holds me accountable for enforcing changes which can only be a good thing right?!

Anyway I hope you are all wrapped up warm in cosy scarfs, hats & gloves as a cold spell has decided to pop by and say hello.

Love

Life

My meaning of life ... is to do what you believe in and be content and happy doing what you enjoy. I am not a religious kinda girl but do think if someone has a belief then that is their choice and shouldn't be disrespected. Anyway I don't want to be all philosophical and deep because a) I can't be bothered b) this 'insight challenge' is sending me into a little bit of a snore! I could ramble for hours but I am pretty sure nobody wants to hear such waffle! Instead have a giggle at my race photographs...

slow & steady

eat my dust

ponytail swoosh

outta the way mate

Also my name appeared in the paper with my time!

Do you remember the guilty pleasures post? I have something to add to my list... Ultimate Big Brother. I hear you groan but its simple watching and provides good background entertainment while blogging and the like. Anyway justifications aside I want to say how much last nights episode resonated with with me when Nikki Grahame (the girl that moans and throws tantrums) spoke candidly about her experience with anorexia. If you have a moment then you can view the video here and is definitely worth a little watch. Eating disorders in any form upset me greatly because you genuinely have little or no control if it grips hold and for me... it doesn't leave you. You may look better but mentally and physically the sad reality is an eating disorder never truly goes away because at one point or another is massive part of your life. In time it can become less of an issue and the day that I can speak the way Grahame did about facing your demons and having a laugh at the fact 'my jeans don't fit' then I know I will have come a long way. 

Well its 9 o clock so I am off to indulge in my Channel 4 guilty pleasure and drink tea :)

B

A picture that makes you feel

This photograph was taken while on a trip to Venice in 2008 and its makes me feel happy, inspired, hopeful and free. The reason? I travelled Italy alone, I met wonderful people, I wasn't chained to a gym and I was in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Today I struggled and I can't live with feeling this exhausted, ill, frightened and scared anymore. I am so unhappy and consumed by an illness. I have let anorexia take my identity and I have let it define me as a person. I don't know who I am anymore and use this awful eating disorder as a mask denying my own self to flourish. It has left me with a mere existence and I can't cope with the pressure it has on me on a hourly basis. I am falling apart physically and mentally so I need to commit to make changes starting with tapering back this week. No matter what I need to cut down as I want to do the 10k this weekend and I have a feeling if I don't sort out my nutrition and exercise compulsion NOW then I won't be doing very much at all never mind running any races. After my run I ditched swimming today because I was a mess and yes I did feel insanely guilty but I'm still here, the world did not end and I didn't have to endure cold pool water. Its wake up call after wake up call at the moment and the fact a local shop keeper where I get my water commented on the fact I do far too much is a sign that its time to challenge this habit of mine.

Small steps guys small steps...

Love

B