No let up

Sunny Glasgow town

I swear you would think I make up half the stuff on this blog as it just seems to be doom followed by gloom followed by doom. I'll get the bad stuff out the way first so we can end this post on a good note...

My beautiful grandmother aged 88 died last Monday evening due to heart failure. It was completely unexpected as despite her ailments she was really mobile and had a more active social life than myself. We have been blessed in our family that we have never lost a close member which has made this bereavement even harder to deal with.

I felt in shock about the death and proceeded to continue as normally as one could but I felt really unwell. I put it down to the fact I've never lost a loved one and that I would feel okay again by the weekend. Well that didn't happen! I got progressively worse when my temperature sky rocketed, I felt completely disorientated and was unable to keep anything including water in my system. On Friday I woke up with tracking up my leg and an incredible painful foot so an emergency appointment and half an hour later I was diagnosed with celluitus and sent packing with 12 antibiotics per day. I was told it could of turned into blood poisoning and if I had left it any longer I would of been hooked up to an IV for antibiotics. However this still remains a possibility because I am not healing as fast as I should be so keep everything crossed my body bounces back within the next 48 hours.

Brighter things! The girl well or I should say lady with the red hair is my younger sister Chloe! Graduating in Film & Media studies with a huge 2:1 :) Our proud parents and I went to her graduation last week which was lovely and the sun was shining all day for her ♥

Why what on earth is in here you ask?

 One ball of amazingness

Oatmeal cookie

Chocolate nana muffin

All made lovingly by my wonderful gym buddy bestie Sarah ♥

I'll be swimming in the pool and will catch her sneaking a cutesy tuppaware box under my soap bag. The rest of the swim I wonder what magical creation Sarah has cooked up and look forward to having a peak before I've even hit the showers. She really is a sweetheart :)

My other goodie great news is............. drumroll

dun 

dun 

duuuuun

I passed my fitness Anatomy and Physiology level 2 theory course with 86% mark

I had kept it quiet that I had started the course and was due to sit my exam because I was feel all superstitious and was worried I was going to fail but I didn't!!!! I passed with probably my best mark for an exam (I'm more an essay girl) ever :D

So its good news bad news week and I've tried my best to steer away from being a Debbie Downer and I hope you can all hang round during this difficult time. I am still reading all your blogs and appreciate every comment and great support from you lovelies.

Burnt Out

I have just done double spin and went to the gym to run and I just couldn't do it. I just feel pretty darn terrible right now... I have a cracking headache, sore joints, painful knees and I think I've hit a wall. I am so exhausted and I am so scared to take one day off... The last time I took a day off was when I was taken to hospital and didn't have a choice in the matter. In fact the past few years the only time I have taken a day off is because I was carted off to the hospital.  Its kinda funny really well its not but hey! least I can laugh about the fact I'm 100% bananas.

On a serious note though I feel extremely rough and I am living in the fear that I'm going to aggravate injury which will stop me from running. People suggest cross training and thats fine for some people but I pretty much have this all or nothing attitude and feel like if I can't run then there is no point in doing any exercise. Running and swimming are my two need to do activities to feel like I've worked out and I can't seem to shift that feeling right now. It would be good if I could shift the negativity because the way my knees are feeling I won't be able to run for much longer.

Everything has just become too much of late and I am struggling more than a little. Basically I keep comparing myself to others and its making me really hate my own body and scrutinize each and every detail of myself. I am so hyper aware of this feeling that if anyone dare say anything that reinforces this feeling then I go into complete meltdown. I have cried so many times this past week over itty bitty things and just can't cope with feeling so emotional especially in front of people. It makes me feel weak and silly or a pathetic attention seeker. To avoid the latter I put my head down, went to my locker, got my things and cycled home with tears streaming down my face hoping if anyone seen they would believe it was rain splash.

Weight wise I have stayed the same and although I know I need to gain weight I don't want to. If people comment on my weight I get this horrible lurch in my stomach and I just feel sick. I don't know how I am going to push past this feeling to get to a better place and I can't expect the world to tip toe round me. However I do wish people would keep their weight related comments to themselves and mind their own business. Good, bad or indifferent I just don't want to hear comments on my appearance at all. I pick apart myself as much as it is and don't need people to confirm my disordered thoughts as it triggers me to  attack myself. Which leaves me the only loser at the end of the day and I can't keep beating myself up like this because I no longer have a life as it is and the harder I am on myself the more miserable I will be.

So how do I change it? How do I push past this woe is me feeling? How do I deal with weight issues? How do I deal with the comments? I have no idea and from past experience these overwhelming thoughts will pass but when you are stuck in it like I am right now it feels desperately sad and lonely.

Sorry for this open my heart to the world post but I just can't keep these feelings locked up and hope by opening up a little more then perhaps I can start to heal.

Stuck

I have a few important decisions to make after my latest appointment... basically I have been advised to go in patient again as my exercise regime is slightly out of control & my intake hasn't increased. I don't want to leave my surroundings and my cat so I really think I need to use this to be a bit more open about how things really are.

I pay way too much attention to what people say and take things to heart like a total baba. The most recent ones on my appearance have greatly upset me and feel like I am being judged or something? Having maintained a low weight for a while I guess people are used to seeing me therefore I am petrified to gain weight in fear of what people will say or think I'm a terrible person for giving in. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I'd be failing and I would hate to be a failure. My eating disorder and exercise addiction has completely consumed my life and isn't healthy by any standard. Yet I feel like I'm not as bad as other people with the same/similar problem and don't need the help and eventually it will be okay. I paste on my brave face, smile, blush and try to pretend that everything really isn't that difficult or hard. However inside I am struggling and feel so ambivalent about what I should do.

How does one deal with remarks on weight etc? looking 'well' is the one I find hardest to take on board which is silly but I'm being such a girl right now.

Photo happy cat meow posts soon

B