Hello Sunshine

Veggies

Cous Cous mix with a sneaky pepsi max

I headed to London last week with Darcy (more on this later) for my grandmothers funeral which was in Maidstone.

Such a quaint lovely place to visit and where I was born!

God bless M&S bargains! 10p! 10p! 10p!

I arrived at my dads new bungalow on the Sunday  and got up bright and early on the Monday for my free 5 day membership at LA fitness to get my fix. 

Tuesday was the day of my Grandmothers funeral which was a very sad obviously but it was a lovely service and she would of been so happy that all the family were together. I miss her and she will never be forgotten ♥

Darcy came with me on the train because as I mentioned before he was having a lot of problems living in my little flat. He had became increasingly unhappy and was continually trying to get outside which would be fine if I didn't live in the middle of a City. The problems were getting worse and he was cooped up and miserable being an indoor kitty. My older sister offered to take care of him as she lives in the country and has a garden. As much as it broke my heart I realised what I wanted and what he needed were two very different things. It was evident from when he arrived he was miles happier and I had made the right decision for him. My niece Poppy utterly adores him and he is getting plenty of attention and I still see him but right now there is a huge darcy shaped hole in my life (i'm crying writing this) as I miss him a heck of a lot. A huge thank you to Freya for her support and reassurance as she helped put things in perspective and her kindness made me feel much better.

There was a lot of sadness and hard times but it was nice to see my family and spend time with Dad and my sisters. Also I got chance to have a short trip to London and swing by... Whole foods!

I lack in funds so I only got myself a fruit salad from the bar, some pistatio nut butter (gross btw) and a raw chocolate brownie.

I am now back in Glasgow and good news is my cellulitis cleared up but has since flared up on my other foot but luckily no where near as bad as I caught it before it had chance to floor me again. I am having a bit of an off week if I'm being honest and I've hesitated posting because I was hoping there would be a shift in my mood. However I am on a low, avoiding talking to people not because I'm mean but I just don't have anything to really say! and my opinon of myself right now is the worst its been for a long while. I am struggling with my body image and although people have said I haven't I feel like I've gained lots of weight and thoughts of cutting food, boosting exercise and going crazy have regularly been on my mind. I don't really know what to do as despite not being as thin as I once was I still feel really entrenched in ED ways and it worries my that it will never leave me. I try to shift the focus but I just feel trapped and feel like the only way to get better is to get worse which is stupid I know. I just had to get that out there because I don't really know what to do. Nobody can change how I feel about myself but surely there must be some let up where I don't take every comment to heart and just feel weighed down constantly.

This weeks plans

Book train for London (sisters wedding in August!!!)

Half marathon training

Doctors

See my mamabear

Study

Book work

Enjoy the beautiful sunshine

Crazy times

I think its a given that ain't your typical blog once, twice, three times a day girly so I'll give the apologies for my absence a miss today ;)

Lets see! Last time I updated I was starting to feel quite good and had a relatively pleasant week. Its been brought to my attention by a few people that they don't get the full picture of me from reading my blog. I do keep a lot of stuff to myself because its a public and because I wouldn't want anyone to replicate anything I do. I still struggle with an ED and I am by no means recovered and don't know if I ever will be. I have a lot of bad habits, rituals and obsessions that I don't think need to be displayed on the internet because I'm worried of making a fool of myself but also I wouldn't want someone to feel triggered or upset. What do you think? Should I be more honest? Is there anything you would like to see in the blog?

Recently things have been completely and utterly...(I want to swear, will I swear?) shit. What can I say? it slipped out...

Now to those that know me its no big secret that I love to clean! No really! I love to tidy up, hoover, mop, polish and steam clean. The last one not so much after my sunshine yellow steam cleaning friend is now an enemy after it blew up in my face. The lid came flying off, spurted water out along with boiling hot steam right towards my eyes. Screaming in agony I went to my neighbors home who got me straight to a&e where they seen me in 4 minutes flat because I was howling in so much pain. Painkillers, ibuprofen, tramadol and 15 minutes later I was a little calmer. Found out I was incredibly lucky that it was superficial burns and I was still able to see okay. I think more than anything I was really shaken up and frightened. That pain was unbearable though and for the first time in a very long time I didn't think about food, exercise, anorexia all I could think about what getting rid of the pain. Blessing in disguise? hmm! however it did slow me down and stop me in my tracks. My heart goes out to people that have to live with pain in their life and it just goes to show how quickly things can just blow up (no pun intended) in a split second. Least I'll have good pores and have decided chemical peels off my list of things to try ;)

Next on the list of crappy things is my most treasured possession was taken from me... thats right guys some loser stole my iPhone. Here are some of the photos I managed to save before my dear phone was taken from me...

My latest Nike triax running shoes! A lot of folks knock nike but these babies have got me through my longest runs and what's it they say... if it ain't broke don't fix it!

My favourite cross training/ comfortable/ kicking about trainers because they are pretty and pink :)

Finally my cat needs to see a therapist and yeah you read that right! My cat has some form of ADD and general behavioral issues so after numerous vet trips, feliway diffuser, more attention, etc he is still wreaking havoc in my home. The vet actually suggested I contact a therapist for him which I have to laugh about because only I would end up with a cat in therapy too!

Thank you

thank you thank you :) all of you lovely bloggers are so wonderful and supportive. Lets pretend yesterday didn't happen though. It was awful and I just need to forget it so!

happy butternuts

believe it or not I did not create this! it did however smack a smile on my own face! while shopping today I discovered this in the fruit and veg aisle which perked me up. I was then even more delighted when I got a butternut squash for 28p which is amazing. Upon checking my receipt it turns out I had by accident beeped it through self service as broccoli. Oopsy! 

Spin today was good, I had a great run while watching house ;) and the pool was not freezing!

This weeks plans

Study

Doctors appointment

Meeting mother on Wednesday

Physio

Coffee date with a friend

Hopefully seeing my sister

42.35

BOO YEAH! My 10k time was my personal best and I came in 55th out of... wait for it... 12, 000 ladies. Okay enough bragging... TWELVE THOUSAND! Ahem.

Race day was kicked off early am by a frantic telephone call from K asking if I had safety pins (its okay we got some). I headed to meet the girls and was tuned to the moon with excitement and nerves. We got a parking space which was quite a distance from the start line and headed over to the race. It was hot and humid so I was a little worried as I hadn't ran in that sort of heat before. We bagged a place near the front and got ready to RUN!

I knew from the get go it was going to be a hard one because my breathing was all over the place. I've never had this problem but seriously it was horrible. Luckily my legs felt super and carried me through as I cursed the 7km hill. The last 3km were hard as my breathing was still shockingly bad and I just felt pretty unwell but I started so I'll finish...

And finish I did! In 42 minutes 35 seconds. I reckon I could of picked it up at the end but I collapsed once I crossed the finish line. Insanely embarrassing! I was whisked to the first aid tent where they wouldn't let me leave because of a problem with my pulse. I finally felt steady enough to go find the others but with it being a huge event I found myself wandering for a good while. When I did eventually find everyone I weeped in K's arms and got a rollicking about not eating enough pre race. I don't usually eat before a run but had managed a little something that morning. I felt this was suffice but it wasn't and I got everything I deserved. In fact I'm lucky and have learnt my lesson the hard way. I have nobody to blame except myself and to think I could of done that bit better if I had eaten that bit more. Gah!

I have realised from this dreadful experience its anorexic or athlete. I can't be both! I have to choose wether I want to be sick, sore, constantly injured and SLOW or strong, fit, fast and accomplished. I am at war with myself because I cling on to anorexia as I feel like its a relationship that I know is bad for me but can't seem to sever ties. The weight gain terrifies me the most and peoples reactions and comments are the hardest to deal with which I've mentioned before. I feel like my identity is anorexia and without it I am just nothing and what else do I focus on? Its like its a fall back for when things get tough but its not acceptable and it really is soul destroying. I often think I will always have this illness but sometimes it may not be as visible as it has been which makes me feel like a fraud. Does that make sense? Probably not as I can feel myself going off on a tangent and I really don't feel up to explaining it all. Bottom line is I am driving myself crazy and I am having a very distorted body image week/ month/ year. I hope it isn't always this fricken hard and I can be like the wonderful ladies that have completely overcome things :)

Sorry for a pretty incoherent post that I suppose is quite disordered but I have no where else to express myself and I'm fed up of suffering in silence.

Royal Weekend

I wasn't all that fussed for the Royal Wedding but I have to say Kate looked absolutely beautiful in her wedding dress. I'm not one for weddings, marriage, love, la de da but her day made me a little sappy and was genuinely blown away with how amazing she looked in that dress. Its just a shame her husband is going baldy... when I was young I had a massive crush on Prince William but he outgrew himself or something and is looking more like his father D:

Anyway its been a while since my last ramble! So heres a few photos to bring us up to date...

Easter goodies

Arrival of Summer

Pretty in Pink

With a splash of Kidston

It was great seeing my Dad as I only see him a couple of times a year but we chat on the phone daily. He decorated my bedroom which is almost complete I just need to get new curtains. Ikea sold out the ones I was planning to buy so a trip to the big blue & yellow building resulted in one purchase... cutlery. Calm yourself and don't get too excited now ;) I also seen my mother and sister over the Easter weekend which was nice and was very much a family filled event.

This week we have had a glorious week of weather again which has brightened my mood a lot. My freckles have even popped out to say hello! perhaps I can catch some rays (safely) to perk up my washed out vampire look.

Yesterday my super triathlete friend and lovely gym instructor headed South side to explore the 10K route in prep for the woman's event next week. I had not idea how close it actually was! I am insanely worried as my legs have felt like lead lately and I've pushed too much mileage out of them. All of us were injured (is injury in the air?!) so we were like 3 oldies plodding along. Physio is on holiday to the end of the week so I looking forward to going on Friday for massage.  The tendonitis hasn't been too bad but I've been over compensating on my left so I kinda ache all over. Ouchie boo! Anyway I'm convinced my time isn't going to be super good because if I push too hard even in swimming I get horrible twinges that just do not feel right. I would tell anyone else to ease up and rest but with me its a different ball game and I'm scared to rest. I have eliminated sprint sessions and still no body attack which is gutting because there is a new release. My physio doesn't think I should do attack again which makes it even more desirable but the thought of a plyometric lunge makes my knee hurt.

In other news I have enjoyed some lovely bicycle rides and took a 10 mile trip to a shopping center on the outskirts of the City. Even though I was just outside Glasgow it made a difference to get away from the hub of it all for a day.

My mac is going slowly because I am in the process of downloading gossip girl, desperate housewives and ANTM for my iPoodle so I'll wrap up just now.

Hope all of you had a great weekend

Love Love 

Ps. I have applied for the London Marathon 2012 ballot its unlikely I'll land a place but hopefully I do get a in... eaks!

Overdue

So I have been meaning to update ALL week but I've been in a funny place & I'm only getting round to it now. 2 hours 9 minutes for the Swimathon... not half as bad as I was expecting! knocked a good 16 minutes off my time so I'm pretty pleased. Considering I couldn't kick off properly because of the blasted tendentious (leave my knees alone) Would of liked to have got under the 2 hours but there is always next year...

I am feeling pretty low about the lack of treatment I am going to receive and the fact that my key nurse may be taken away. The thing about my eating disorder is that its actually a symptom of my other mental health problems. You see I don't tend to talk about my other 'issues' in fear of coming across like a complete attention seeker or fear of being judged. Its something that needs addressing though as an eating disorder doesn't just appear one day y'know? I've always struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. In fact even as a child I never felt quite 'right' and was very dependent on my parents. Its a shocker I actually moved out on my own because I was always so close to my family. I have become a complete pro at faking it and acting completely 'fine' sometimes I'm almost elated. My mood is like a pendulum as I can feel very productive, happy, excitable and have lots of plans. As quickly as this burst of joy came it can rapidly disappear and result in tears, low motivation and very much a can't be bothered approach. Sometimes this can last a few weeks other times it goes on for prolonged periods. Many labels have been thrown about from aspergers, bi polar to borderline which leaves me feeling even more screwed up. The borderline one gets me especially because I know people with this and I don't feel I fit the criteria at all. Labels shmabels I guess! Anyway whatever the underlying issue is I need the support to deal with it and through all the changes I have always had this one consistent person over seeing my care. From the hospital admissions, various referrals, medical admissions, family breakdowns and a whole host of other things. Now because of my stupid eating disorder consuming me I'm going to lose that key worker that has helped hold me up when times have got really tough. I understand I can't become dependent on one person and I never would because at the end of the day I can only change and look after myself. It doesn't stop me from feeling a little at a loss though and wondering if there is a cure or better way of life with this dreadful illness.

I am feeling pretty run down and hate to be miss negative so lets take a look at the brighter things in life. The weather! Its been a glorious week with sunshine and we have had some almost t shirt weather. Has spring sprung? Is Summer approaching? I certainly hope so.

I ran a half marathon on Tom my favourite treadmill in the gym

Met my wonderful friend for diet cokes & coffee in a russian cafe

The bathroom has lovely decor walls and I couldn't resist taking a snapshot

Shopping trips with mother managed to score 3 nike tops for £10 

I have also been studying a lot and looking after my poorly cat as he was a bit unwell this week. He is on the mend though so worry not! My wallet however has taken a beaten but its for Darcy kitty and he is much more settled than he was last weekend :)

This weeks plans

Study 

Seeing my Dad! He is coming to Glasgow!

Charity shopping with my favourite bargain hunter

Decorating my bedroom (yes its going to be PINK)

Usual appointments

Running if my legs allow it

Try to BLOG a little more

New Gadget

iPhone 4 baby!

My 3G went on the blink after 2 years of good use and it was time for a new contract so I went with my honey apple and got an iPhone 4. Its pretty super but thats to be expected. I am really pleased with the camera as I usually lug my Canon round which is purrty darn heavy so it tends to stay in the house (tsk naughty blogger). So expect more pictureful updates and apologies in advance as you will probs get kitty overload as Darcy loves to pose for photos.

In other news I've had two weeks of physio and got a roll of kenesio tape (pink obviously) which has helped a LOT. I don't want to become too dependent on the tape though and the joke floating round my gym is that I'll turn up like a mummy wrapped up in the stuff. I managed a good 10 miler this week and in my sweaty mess realised I had my running leggings on BACK TO FRONT... total fail! I expect nothing more from me though as I can be quite the dizzy head.

I've had numerous other appointments and got the dreaded blood test results which confirmed I'm anemic again. I'll need to get my Popeye on and down some spinach asap! I had an incline that I was lacking in iron as I was feeling really exhausted and had the whole paler than usual look. It probably contributed to my complete break down last week too so again I probably have to look at my nutrition and make some big improvements. It probably goes without saying that this is going to be a struggle as I feel like I eat too much and don't need any more. However its blatant that this is a typical ED thought and I need to try and get the negativity under control.

A mention to the wonderful Laura for some of the great inspirational posts of late :) you have brightened my blogroll many a times this week!

The Verdict

I have tendonitis which can you believe derived from doing too much?! Yeah doesn't take a brain surgeon to work that out.

I managed to get in a nice long run yesterday which was fairly pain free and swimming was completely pain free but the walk to my physio appointment hmm... boy! did that hurt! Climbing the stairs kinda went like so... ow owwa ow eee. Paaainful! Anyway I seen Rachel from the sports therapy team and after a bit of analysis she said she would need to get 'the big guy' in for a second opinion. Turns out the big guy wasn't so big and he quizzed me on my running basically sounded me out from the word go. He asked what help I was getting and said he wasn't going to advise me to stop running as he understood that would be too hard. We agreed to cut down the epic long runs to one a week, no body attack, more stretching, as little impact exercise as possible and not to make up for mileage by swimming more. He also suggested I took on some supplement drinks and was really understanding. It was nice to meet a health professional that didn't fob me off as some crazed starving girl and understood that I do enjoy running and its not purely to burn calories. I was given an ultrasound on both knees and he wants me to go back next Friday for a follow up appointment.

I can't tell you how relieved I am! I really thought it was shin splints or worse... a stress fracture so as much as tendonitis is painful its not as bad as it could of been. Its another warning light though and came at the right time as admittedly the exercise addiction was spiraling out of control again. It is bad enough as it is but there was that nagging part of me that thought 'just a little more' but I know by now thats what ED's thrive on. Anything I do will never be enough to satisfy those negative thoughts and I just need to remember to try my best to challenge that horrible feeling that right now hangs around me 24/7. I will just live in hope that this does get easier and that this knee problem is the end of ailments and not just the start.

Late

This post is a little late but its been a busy old time as usual! I won't go into the why's and wherefores right now so I'll jump in and tell you about our trip to London town....

After a really quick ahem 10 hour over night journey on the mega blue bus which didn't have a bog, toilet, bathroom, whatever you call it our bus didn't have one. We got a grand total of ONE stop and it was way warm. However Chloe sister and I made it safely to London where we went straight to our hotel and promptly fell asleep. I got up in the afternoon for a work out sesh in the nice empty gym and a chilled out (no really it was cold) swim. I then wandered round Kensington and visited Whole foods! The salad bar wasn't a patch on NYC but it was okay none the less. I think my appetite was out of whack from all the traveling or something because nothing appealed. I managed to bag some goodies for my dear friend Sarah which she was delighted with :) Anyway back to bed and got up super early for a day in LONDON!

We walked through Hyde park and observed the runners some people where really toight shorties ;) and some have really amusing running methods. In saying that I probably run like Phoebe from friends so I ain't judging. We headed toward Oxford street and hit up the shops before stopping at my fav place for a coffeeee fix.... Starbucks! Yeah!

Caffeine high we went to...

I had only ever been to the Glasgow store and was well excitable hey! can you blame me?! I had coffee in my system and there was tons of barbies. Even Chloe was overwhelmed just check her little wee face in the panda panda photograph. 

After the Toy shop excitement we headed to Leister Square, wandered through China town, swung by Covent Gardens then headed to Victoria to get the train to go see our good old Dad. Phew! It was an exhausting but very fun day and I loved spending some quality time with my little sis. I am not long in and my kitty cat is demanding attention so I'll be back with the rest of the info on our trip very soon.

Hope you are all having a super weekend and keep your fingers and toes crossed that the weather forecast is wrong and we don't end up with a ton of snow. 

Love love love

Jillian Michael's

Yoga Meltdown

After trying 30 day shred (amazing btw) Level 3 is a nice little killer and for a 20 minute workout its pretty super. Anyway! I decided to try out Michael's yoga meltdown... I should of known that no session featuring Jillian was going to be plain sailing. My weekly yoga class is very zen, calming and relaxing. This dvd however is quite the opposite...

Level 1 was relatively slow paced but I'm used to hearing Jillian shout at you to leave the dvd on and not to give up. It would be hard to relax while she is about ;) Level 2 was a great workout and really enjoyable too. Definitely worth a shot if you want a yoga workout and I would reccomend 30 day shred for strength and cardio training for sure.

 The crow pose I could not do

However I successfully (ahem minus the leg in the air) perfected the wheel

I haven't got a lot else to up date on at the moment. I cooked my friend Sarah a meal on Saturday night which was nice as she is full of compliments about my cooking and for someone that believes they can't cook its always lovely to hear. 

Butternut squash nut roast with a selection of roasted veggies

I am a bit useless at coming up with meal ideas other than roast veg so if anyone has any fancy simple-ish dishes then send them my way. I do enjoy cooking for others! Oh what an ED thing to say haha but genuinely I do love seeing people enjoy their food and envy anyone that has a healthy relationship with food. 

Today I had a whirly spin class, 10 mile run and good old swim. I also improved on my rowing technique and actually put more focus into what I was actually doing because rowing had become somewhat a tiresome chore. I think I caught myself yawning at least 5 times during row your boat times last week which told me it was time for a work out shake up. Afterwards I zoomed to the doctors on my bike and I am pleased to say not a single car beeped at me today. Its a record guys! seriously. So I had to get my blood taken which is never fun and I am hoping results come back a little better than my last lot. Fingers crossed!

This weeks plan

Appointment

Study

Prep for London times (Pack clothes, organise iPod, etc)

Meet Chloe

Usual 

Love

One Hundred

Happy 100th Post Bloggy :)

Sale Bargain (trainers not the cat)

aaaand pose! fierce Darcy fierce!

My trainers were reduced to less than half price in the sales! I was mega pleased. Obviously when I went to photograph them Darcy wanted to hog the limelight. One day I will post something I've purchased other than sports gear maybe I will even buy a dress!  

The gym and pool were still closed yesterday which was a bit frustrating so after some shopping I indulged in a free trial at Paris' family chain... 

I did a little over one hundred laps of their little pool and got a good workout in the near empty gym so I left rather pleased. I should start reviewing gyms I visit as I really do take full advantage of these free trial things. I had one for Virgin Active but it made me wish I was rich so I could actually become a member so perhaps not. Anyway! Later I got a sports massage which was amazing and has made my legs feel brand new. It was long overdue and definitely something I need to get more often especially if I continue to run as much! Its been a good second day to the year and I have reached post number 100! Wowzer.

Have you had any good sale buys? What are they? Where is your favorite shop for bargains?

Love

Lush

Total lack of words in my last post so I am more than likely going to make up for it in this update ;) you have been warned!

Today the gym re opened which was a welome relief! I missed swimming a lot and the two days out of my routine made me quite the anxious mess. I realise a lot of that is eating disorder related and just tried to be strong and kept in mind that it was only 2 days and not the end of the world. Admittedly I did got out a run in treacherous conditions, slipped, fell and hit my hip off the concrete. When the City has become an ice rink it is not sensible to go running. Luckily I was the only lunatic out running about and nobody was around to witness my comical fall. I came across a new park and I noticed some swans huddled by a tree which informed me that the smooth bit of 'land' was in fact a icy pond. Don't worry I used common sense and found a relatively safe football pitch to do some laps.

Later I hit up the Christmas sales which were disappointing to say the least but I did get...

Snow fairy! It smells lush... funny that?

Every shopper looked like bambi as the ice was actually lethal! I am so over this Winter weather!

This weeks plan

Proper home clear out in time for the end of 2010
Some writing
Preparation for NYE
Stretch (seriously need to do this more often)
Wear pretty clothes as I tend to kick about in gym gear 99.9% of the time

Jumble

At the weekend I met my sister for Rumble in the Jumble ! The event was organised by Arlene, Angela and Lynn and they did a great job. It was a really lovely day and I always enjoy my time with Chloe :)

Sundays are not ussually restful for me and are jam packed full of classes, running, gym and swimming. I managed to curb it for the day! Minus the mid afternoon need for a little walk. I intended resting for the day because I had been feeling poorly and the anemia is in fully swing again D: but the drive to do something took over and I did go out running pre outing. At least I wasn't pushing to the limit the entire day! It made me realise that I can take a few hours off to do other things but also the reality that I am using exercise as a means of distraction. Distraction from life in general but also from the stack of ailments that are currently mounting. Despite the fact I was doing very little the majority of Sunday I felt sore, cold and exhausted. It was like everything I have been doing caught up and was like 'hey there'! When I'm working out I reckon I just go into a zone and block out any signals that my body is sending out. Whereas if sit down for just a moment I find out that I perhaps need to ease up a little. Its so hard though and I just feel compelled to keep going all the time! I feel pretty repetitive and I'm sure all this is rather boring to hear... 

I shall move onto brighter things :) Heres a peak at some of the goodies I took home... halloween cupcakes made by Angela, chocolate scented candles and a cute pink telephone!

I have an early appointment in the morning and I'm chilly so off to cuddle a hot water bottle like a right old lady. 

Love