Burnt Out

I have just done double spin and went to the gym to run and I just couldn't do it. I just feel pretty darn terrible right now... I have a cracking headache, sore joints, painful knees and I think I've hit a wall. I am so exhausted and I am so scared to take one day off... The last time I took a day off was when I was taken to hospital and didn't have a choice in the matter. In fact the past few years the only time I have taken a day off is because I was carted off to the hospital.  Its kinda funny really well its not but hey! least I can laugh about the fact I'm 100% bananas.

On a serious note though I feel extremely rough and I am living in the fear that I'm going to aggravate injury which will stop me from running. People suggest cross training and thats fine for some people but I pretty much have this all or nothing attitude and feel like if I can't run then there is no point in doing any exercise. Running and swimming are my two need to do activities to feel like I've worked out and I can't seem to shift that feeling right now. It would be good if I could shift the negativity because the way my knees are feeling I won't be able to run for much longer.

Everything has just become too much of late and I am struggling more than a little. Basically I keep comparing myself to others and its making me really hate my own body and scrutinize each and every detail of myself. I am so hyper aware of this feeling that if anyone dare say anything that reinforces this feeling then I go into complete meltdown. I have cried so many times this past week over itty bitty things and just can't cope with feeling so emotional especially in front of people. It makes me feel weak and silly or a pathetic attention seeker. To avoid the latter I put my head down, went to my locker, got my things and cycled home with tears streaming down my face hoping if anyone seen they would believe it was rain splash.

Weight wise I have stayed the same and although I know I need to gain weight I don't want to. If people comment on my weight I get this horrible lurch in my stomach and I just feel sick. I don't know how I am going to push past this feeling to get to a better place and I can't expect the world to tip toe round me. However I do wish people would keep their weight related comments to themselves and mind their own business. Good, bad or indifferent I just don't want to hear comments on my appearance at all. I pick apart myself as much as it is and don't need people to confirm my disordered thoughts as it triggers me to  attack myself. Which leaves me the only loser at the end of the day and I can't keep beating myself up like this because I no longer have a life as it is and the harder I am on myself the more miserable I will be.

So how do I change it? How do I push past this woe is me feeling? How do I deal with weight issues? How do I deal with the comments? I have no idea and from past experience these overwhelming thoughts will pass but when you are stuck in it like I am right now it feels desperately sad and lonely.

Sorry for this open my heart to the world post but I just can't keep these feelings locked up and hope by opening up a little more then perhaps I can start to heal.

Demotivated

In general I feel really demotivated and can't really be bothered with anything or anyone. Its nothing personal but I have that blah feeling. Enter lazy girls salad from Marks and Sparkles...

Surprisingly divine!

I have a lot going on and I am on the slippery slide which frustrates me & everyone around me. My ED thoughts are really overwhelming and I just want to hide away. I am not challenging the negative thoughts as much as I should be. I know what I need to do so why can't I just get on and do it?! I guess that is part of vicious cycle that keeps trapping me in the illness. I find little things that others find so simple incredibly hard and I am in a constant state of worry. An example is eating in front of others... (minus my family) I know people think because you have anorexia you do not eat anything which is not true cause lets face it don't eat... you die. Yet I find myself out and about and not allowing myself anything even when I feel like hell in case someone sees me or worse says something (good or bad). Its ridiculous and something I should probably work on but it seems like the impossible and obviously I can't control other peoples thoughts or actions so I feel its best to avoid it all together. Its a little typical of me... running away and burying my head in the sand. I don't really know where I am going with this so I reckon its time to move on...

Decorating nightmare continues!

The plaster work is finally complete! Now all I have to do is get emulsion on the walls followed by operation clean up. Its tough doing it alone so my Dad is going to help out next week and hopefully by July I will have a kitschy cute castle that I can call home :)

Yeah. I don't have a lot else to say! If any of you have bloggy suggestions feel free to ship them my way as I am really blank just now.

B