42.35

BOO YEAH! My 10k time was my personal best and I came in 55th out of... wait for it... 12, 000 ladies. Okay enough bragging... TWELVE THOUSAND! Ahem.

Race day was kicked off early am by a frantic telephone call from K asking if I had safety pins (its okay we got some). I headed to meet the girls and was tuned to the moon with excitement and nerves. We got a parking space which was quite a distance from the start line and headed over to the race. It was hot and humid so I was a little worried as I hadn't ran in that sort of heat before. We bagged a place near the front and got ready to RUN!

I knew from the get go it was going to be a hard one because my breathing was all over the place. I've never had this problem but seriously it was horrible. Luckily my legs felt super and carried me through as I cursed the 7km hill. The last 3km were hard as my breathing was still shockingly bad and I just felt pretty unwell but I started so I'll finish...

And finish I did! In 42 minutes 35 seconds. I reckon I could of picked it up at the end but I collapsed once I crossed the finish line. Insanely embarrassing! I was whisked to the first aid tent where they wouldn't let me leave because of a problem with my pulse. I finally felt steady enough to go find the others but with it being a huge event I found myself wandering for a good while. When I did eventually find everyone I weeped in K's arms and got a rollicking about not eating enough pre race. I don't usually eat before a run but had managed a little something that morning. I felt this was suffice but it wasn't and I got everything I deserved. In fact I'm lucky and have learnt my lesson the hard way. I have nobody to blame except myself and to think I could of done that bit better if I had eaten that bit more. Gah!

I have realised from this dreadful experience its anorexic or athlete. I can't be both! I have to choose wether I want to be sick, sore, constantly injured and SLOW or strong, fit, fast and accomplished. I am at war with myself because I cling on to anorexia as I feel like its a relationship that I know is bad for me but can't seem to sever ties. The weight gain terrifies me the most and peoples reactions and comments are the hardest to deal with which I've mentioned before. I feel like my identity is anorexia and without it I am just nothing and what else do I focus on? Its like its a fall back for when things get tough but its not acceptable and it really is soul destroying. I often think I will always have this illness but sometimes it may not be as visible as it has been which makes me feel like a fraud. Does that make sense? Probably not as I can feel myself going off on a tangent and I really don't feel up to explaining it all. Bottom line is I am driving myself crazy and I am having a very distorted body image week/ month/ year. I hope it isn't always this fricken hard and I can be like the wonderful ladies that have completely overcome things :)

Sorry for a pretty incoherent post that I suppose is quite disordered but I have no where else to express myself and I'm fed up of suffering in silence.

Royal Weekend

I wasn't all that fussed for the Royal Wedding but I have to say Kate looked absolutely beautiful in her wedding dress. I'm not one for weddings, marriage, love, la de da but her day made me a little sappy and was genuinely blown away with how amazing she looked in that dress. Its just a shame her husband is going baldy... when I was young I had a massive crush on Prince William but he outgrew himself or something and is looking more like his father D:

Anyway its been a while since my last ramble! So heres a few photos to bring us up to date...

Easter goodies

Arrival of Summer

Pretty in Pink

With a splash of Kidston

It was great seeing my Dad as I only see him a couple of times a year but we chat on the phone daily. He decorated my bedroom which is almost complete I just need to get new curtains. Ikea sold out the ones I was planning to buy so a trip to the big blue & yellow building resulted in one purchase... cutlery. Calm yourself and don't get too excited now ;) I also seen my mother and sister over the Easter weekend which was nice and was very much a family filled event.

This week we have had a glorious week of weather again which has brightened my mood a lot. My freckles have even popped out to say hello! perhaps I can catch some rays (safely) to perk up my washed out vampire look.

Yesterday my super triathlete friend and lovely gym instructor headed South side to explore the 10K route in prep for the woman's event next week. I had not idea how close it actually was! I am insanely worried as my legs have felt like lead lately and I've pushed too much mileage out of them. All of us were injured (is injury in the air?!) so we were like 3 oldies plodding along. Physio is on holiday to the end of the week so I looking forward to going on Friday for massage.  The tendonitis hasn't been too bad but I've been over compensating on my left so I kinda ache all over. Ouchie boo! Anyway I'm convinced my time isn't going to be super good because if I push too hard even in swimming I get horrible twinges that just do not feel right. I would tell anyone else to ease up and rest but with me its a different ball game and I'm scared to rest. I have eliminated sprint sessions and still no body attack which is gutting because there is a new release. My physio doesn't think I should do attack again which makes it even more desirable but the thought of a plyometric lunge makes my knee hurt.

In other news I have enjoyed some lovely bicycle rides and took a 10 mile trip to a shopping center on the outskirts of the City. Even though I was just outside Glasgow it made a difference to get away from the hub of it all for a day.

My mac is going slowly because I am in the process of downloading gossip girl, desperate housewives and ANTM for my iPoodle so I'll wrap up just now.

Hope all of you had a great weekend

Love Love 

Ps. I have applied for the London Marathon 2012 ballot its unlikely I'll land a place but hopefully I do get a in... eaks!

Little

When I was a child people will likely remember the save the lamb expedition! Also when asked what I want to be when I grow up my response wasn't a nurse or a princess... no no I announced I was going to be a marine biologist that was until I found out you had to swim in cages with sharks ;)

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Today was the 10k Great Scottish Run which I was insanely anxious about due to the fact I was going alone and a lot of people decided it was the worst idea ever due to my health. It isn't smart to work out with my condition and I don't advocate anyone gives it a go. Good news is I had breakfast for the first time in a very long while in order to make sure I was properly nourished and had made an effort not to run prior to the race AND challenged a food fear the night before eating a bowl of pasta!

The race itself was a big disappointment, the atmosphere wasn't spectacular and I didn't feel as elated as I was expecting. Perhaps its due to the fact this week has been exceptionally difficult combined with having a mind full of worry. Anyway I completed the race in 51.01 and of course did my rounds on collecting freebies at the end. You can never have enough pens, stress balls, t shirts and 'spend more money and get a 10% discount' offers!

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I have a busy week of appointments and I am very tired. Wow! Sorry to be a downer people. I do have something very exciting to prepare for though and thats my trip to NYC! I breifly mentioned I was going to the big apple in this post. I failed to follow up with details! I will fly to Iceland at the beginning of November, will spend some time in Reykjavik then I am going to the USA for 12 days AND during the weeks I am there the New York marathon is on and I only went and got myself a place! Just kidding guys ;) I will however be watching from the sidelines. I can't wait to get away and I terribly excited about going to my dream destination. The only problem will be what do I leave behind! Will it be cold? Freezing? How many pairs of shoes? What boots to take? What coat? How many coats? I think a sensible list on what to bring will need to be created so if anyone has any pointers on traveling light then please enlighten me at this early stage.

Well its that time... Bee bed time

Nah night

A picture that makes you feel

This photograph was taken while on a trip to Venice in 2008 and its makes me feel happy, inspired, hopeful and free. The reason? I travelled Italy alone, I met wonderful people, I wasn't chained to a gym and I was in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Today I struggled and I can't live with feeling this exhausted, ill, frightened and scared anymore. I am so unhappy and consumed by an illness. I have let anorexia take my identity and I have let it define me as a person. I don't know who I am anymore and use this awful eating disorder as a mask denying my own self to flourish. It has left me with a mere existence and I can't cope with the pressure it has on me on a hourly basis. I am falling apart physically and mentally so I need to commit to make changes starting with tapering back this week. No matter what I need to cut down as I want to do the 10k this weekend and I have a feeling if I don't sort out my nutrition and exercise compulsion NOW then I won't be doing very much at all never mind running any races. After my run I ditched swimming today because I was a mess and yes I did feel insanely guilty but I'm still here, the world did not end and I didn't have to endure cold pool water. Its wake up call after wake up call at the moment and the fact a local shop keeper where I get my water commented on the fact I do far too much is a sign that its time to challenge this habit of mine.

Small steps guys small steps...

Love

B