Ways

'you believe you have grown over the past thirty days?'

♥ I understand now that I'm not indestructible and my general health of late has awakened me to this.

♥ I can blog every day but at times I just could-not-be-bothered... Damn you honesty ;)

♥ I have been open about some things but the 'life' questions threw me somewhat!

♥ I have made a small set of goals which I may share at a later date...

♥ I realised that I just can't please everyone

♥ I enjoy blogging.

I enjoy writing and would like to take this blog in a good direction so any suggestions on what you would like to see/ hear about please feel free to drop me a line!

Living

What do you live for? 

Gosh this is harder than I thought my instant answer was my family and friends. I hope that I help them in some form or another! Living for me is all about searching and learning because when things are rock bottom low you learn to find a reason for living. If you don't then you are giving up and personally I like to keep going even when times are hard because I can look back and realise I got through. I'm a firm believer in fake it till you make it and if I have to pretend I'm all good then one day I'll hopefully reach it. Something like that anyway... Pah! I am quite glad its the 30th day tomorrow as my answers have got progressively worse!

I am recovering from a pretty awful migraine so I'm going to wrap up this post earlier than planned. Sorry!

Happiness

'A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. What is your definition of happiness?'

I remember a moment of being happy on family holidays and the reason why was because we were together (parmesan anyone!) and traveling in general made me so excitable and happy. Going on a plane was fun particularly take off and landing which everyone else always hated! Other holiday moments include.... seeing turtles in Greece, swimming in outdoor pools with my sister,  Parasailing in Spain, Christmas in Orlando, camping in France and other wonderful experiences I am so grateful for. I reckon thats why I've been bitten by the travel bug and I am never really settled in one place! 

Happiness to me would be knowing where I'm going, what I'm doing and being content within myself. 

What is happiness to you? I hope everyone has been having a good week! 

Its not long till the weekend!

B

Life

My meaning of life ... is to do what you believe in and be content and happy doing what you enjoy. I am not a religious kinda girl but do think if someone has a belief then that is their choice and shouldn't be disrespected. Anyway I don't want to be all philosophical and deep because a) I can't be bothered b) this 'insight challenge' is sending me into a little bit of a snore! I could ramble for hours but I am pretty sure nobody wants to hear such waffle! Instead have a giggle at my race photographs...

slow & steady

eat my dust

ponytail swoosh

outta the way mate

Also my name appeared in the paper with my time!

Do you remember the guilty pleasures post? I have something to add to my list... Ultimate Big Brother. I hear you groan but its simple watching and provides good background entertainment while blogging and the like. Anyway justifications aside I want to say how much last nights episode resonated with with me when Nikki Grahame (the girl that moans and throws tantrums) spoke candidly about her experience with anorexia. If you have a moment then you can view the video here and is definitely worth a little watch. Eating disorders in any form upset me greatly because you genuinely have little or no control if it grips hold and for me... it doesn't leave you. You may look better but mentally and physically the sad reality is an eating disorder never truly goes away because at one point or another is massive part of your life. In time it can become less of an issue and the day that I can speak the way Grahame did about facing your demons and having a laugh at the fact 'my jeans don't fit' then I know I will have come a long way. 

Well its 9 o clock so I am off to indulge in my Channel 4 guilty pleasure and drink tea :)

B

Love

'Love means never having to say you're sorry' (Love Story)

I originally heard the above quote in one of my all time favourite films Now & Then :)

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Love means trusting, communicating, listening to one another, being there no matter what, good or bad, being faithful and accepting one another as they you find each other. To me anyway! thats all I can really think of but I am somewhat content spending time with spending time with friends and my cat (hello! crazy cat lady) so I haven't really given the whole love thing a lot mind time.

♥

Fail

If I wouldn't fail and could actually do either of these things then...

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I would be a professional ballet dancer or...

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become a top olympic athlete!

Yeah... a girl can dream right?

On the subject of dreams I am half way to the land of nod right now so just a breif post to keep up with the insight challenge. Hope everyone has had a good start to the week and are looking forward to Autumn as much as me! Scarfs and beautiful coloured leafs :) Eeee!

Little

When I was a child people will likely remember the save the lamb expedition! Also when asked what I want to be when I grow up my response wasn't a nurse or a princess... no no I announced I was going to be a marine biologist that was until I found out you had to swim in cages with sharks ;)

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Today was the 10k Great Scottish Run which I was insanely anxious about due to the fact I was going alone and a lot of people decided it was the worst idea ever due to my health. It isn't smart to work out with my condition and I don't advocate anyone gives it a go. Good news is I had breakfast for the first time in a very long while in order to make sure I was properly nourished and had made an effort not to run prior to the race AND challenged a food fear the night before eating a bowl of pasta!

The race itself was a big disappointment, the atmosphere wasn't spectacular and I didn't feel as elated as I was expecting. Perhaps its due to the fact this week has been exceptionally difficult combined with having a mind full of worry. Anyway I completed the race in 51.01 and of course did my rounds on collecting freebies at the end. You can never have enough pens, stress balls, t shirts and 'spend more money and get a 10% discount' offers!

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I have a busy week of appointments and I am very tired. Wow! Sorry to be a downer people. I do have something very exciting to prepare for though and thats my trip to NYC! I breifly mentioned I was going to the big apple in this post. I failed to follow up with details! I will fly to Iceland at the beginning of November, will spend some time in Reykjavik then I am going to the USA for 12 days AND during the weeks I am there the New York marathon is on and I only went and got myself a place! Just kidding guys ;) I will however be watching from the sidelines. I can't wait to get away and I terribly excited about going to my dream destination. The only problem will be what do I leave behind! Will it be cold? Freezing? How many pairs of shoes? What boots to take? What coat? How many coats? I think a sensible list on what to bring will need to be created so if anyone has any pointers on traveling light then please enlighten me at this early stage.

Well its that time... Bee bed time

Nah night

Awkward

The most awkward first impression I feel I've given...

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Well! In general I feel I'm pretty awkward as I tend to speak my mind and suffer from foot in mouth syndrome. I would give some examples but they are very cringeworthy to the point I flinch to think about them. When I meet people I may come across okay/ relatively 'normal' but inside I am a bit of a mess. I am really anxious and become hyper aware about what I'm saying then once its over with I replay the scenario over and over again. What can I say? I'm a thinker! that sounds really grammatically incorrect (like the majority of my blog writing ;) but whatever.

Picture this! First visit to the secondary school for a little taster of what its like and what to expect. I enter the building and was not expecting a set of stairs to my left... yup you guessed it! I took the flight of stairs with a full on tumble over. Ouch! The entire first year were there to witness my unfortunate trip and of course like we all do when someone trips and falls everyone laughed. What I should of done is laugh at myself but the shock of it all made me burst into tears. I was known as the girl that tripped and cried like a baby when I crashed at the bottom of the steps. You have to admit thats pretty awkward and extremely embarrassing D:

Tomorrow its the Great Scottish Run and I need my sleep!

B

Someone

you would give your life up for without question. There isn't one person alone in fact there are three for me. My sister and both my parents as they are the most supportive, unique, wonderful family and I love them all very dearly ♥

Medium of Art

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I am by no means an 'arty' type person take example numero one... I went to the tate and wasn't exactly blown away. At one time I did try my hand at photography and applied to art school where I was kindly... rejected. So! I am not a photgrapher (see below) but I do love photography.

Mmm cooking skill blur

Scrummy cinnamon veggie side dish

Just one photo can sum up a lot and can remind you of wonderful memories and are something I really cherish. While clearing the attic recently I have came across an abundance of photographs and they bring out a whole host of emotions. Therefore I am going to have to say photography would be my chosen medium of art.

And for dessert?

flickr friends?

A band

veering off course a little (as per usual) and choosing an individual as it immediately popped into my head when I thought of a song that instantly made me like them. 

 Quelqn'un m'a dit by Carla Bruni

I don't think this song need justification so if you have a moment have a listen. My instant reaction was 'Wow I love her' perhaps you won't feel the same but there is no denying she has a beautiful distinct sound.

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Passage from a book

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This entire book oh yes all 26 (!!!) pages 

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I considered passages from books that were very meaningful and touching but this book alone simply reminds me of all kinds of happy and makes me feel reminiscent. You didn't really want some Plath or Hornbacher passages did you? Sorry to disappoint but 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' is very touching i'll have you know and the ending... well the ending is just lovely. 

Na night


B

A picture that makes you feel

This photograph was taken while on a trip to Venice in 2008 and its makes me feel happy, inspired, hopeful and free. The reason? I travelled Italy alone, I met wonderful people, I wasn't chained to a gym and I was in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Today I struggled and I can't live with feeling this exhausted, ill, frightened and scared anymore. I am so unhappy and consumed by an illness. I have let anorexia take my identity and I have let it define me as a person. I don't know who I am anymore and use this awful eating disorder as a mask denying my own self to flourish. It has left me with a mere existence and I can't cope with the pressure it has on me on a hourly basis. I am falling apart physically and mentally so I need to commit to make changes starting with tapering back this week. No matter what I need to cut down as I want to do the 10k this weekend and I have a feeling if I don't sort out my nutrition and exercise compulsion NOW then I won't be doing very much at all never mind running any races. After my run I ditched swimming today because I was a mess and yes I did feel insanely guilty but I'm still here, the world did not end and I didn't have to endure cold pool water. Its wake up call after wake up call at the moment and the fact a local shop keeper where I get my water commented on the fact I do far too much is a sign that its time to challenge this habit of mine.

Small steps guys small steps...

Love

B

Remembered

Free tea! Yes please!

The local health store gives away free samples so of course I grabbed myself a couple of freebies. Had a bit of rubbish day so it was very nice to unwind with chamomile, fennel and marshmallow 'relax' cuppa.

How would I like to be remembered? Not as a statistic thats for sure ;) I won't really care how I am remembered as I'll be wherever there is. However I would like to be remembered for being honest, hard working and funny (i'll work on this). That way when people think of me they giggle and there will be none of this mourning palaver! 

Five years

We all know raspberries are not my go to fruit but I cannot resist a bargain and picked these up today for a squid.  I may reconsider raspberries as these taste just lovely!

In five years time I would like to...

♥ Visit New York City (stay tuned as I have BIG news)

♥ Run a marathon or at least a half marathon...

♥ Be content with myself 

♥ Have a direction

♥ Be happier

So NYC! Well its official... I am going on November 1st for two weeks stopping by Iceland on my way there. More info about the trip coming very shortly :)

A moment

... or a few

This is a toughie because there has been many and I have sworn I will turn a corner and 'make changes' and all intentions are there but I never follow through.

Recently a scary a moment shook me up and made me realise I need to make changes. The bug incident a few weeks ago followed by a funny turn in the gym on Tuesday. I felt a little funny I say a little but I had really bad chest pain and thought its just a stitch and kept running. I was finishing up with a rowing session when a good friend basically told me I had gone a chalk white and it was time I stopped working out and took an energy drink. I examined the label of the zero electrolyte drink like a crazed maniac and realised how stupid I must have looked. This little person about to drop down from sheer exhaustion worrying over a few calories!

Wednesday I went to the salad bar in Waitrose and heart-ached over what salad to get... I swayed for a while, left the store, had a think then finally asked for a party snack bowl for a miniature salad. The whole time I was thinking 'this is ridiculous' I had done an enormous amount of exercise and I was getting upset over salads! Its not like it was a chocolate fondue fountain!

Today. The clincher! I went for an ECG and it came back abnormal, doctors were called, blood tests were carried out and three people had to agree it was okay to let me go home.

This illness really does chip away at you and I do know some of the reasons I won't let go but I reckon we all have to do things we don't like but its for the best otherwise well...

I have acquired a collection of moments and I just hope these are all the warning push me in the right direction. I feel terrible for letting people down and bringing down my bloggy but hey! life isn't always smelling of roses.

Love

B

Mash up

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'Mash up' Ew! What a horrible word! Perhaps its just me but I don't like it very much. On the subject of words I cannot stand the term 'Nom' it would have to be top of the list of awful words and really grates on me. I just really needed to share that anyway...I digress! Mash up... err I don't have a favorite song or funked up mix up so I think I'll have to go with Les Mills releases particularly for body attack. The simple reason that they are what carry me through the routine and I secretly love cheesy dance pop. Shhhhh!

If you manage to find these (believe me it ain't easy in this town) then have a nibble of nakd banana bread bars as they are quite the tasty creation but not as tasty as my friend Sarah's baking!

Zucchini Muffin

Chocolate Nana cookie

Lucky me I see her regularly and get to sample her super cooking skills :) 

Favourite Musical Artists Life Story

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Courtney Love ♥

     

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If you know me then this probably doesn't surprise you!

Photo I like...

I don't really like having my photo taken... in fact I hate it! I just don't like photographs of myself at all but the above amuses me and people have said its a nice photo. 

Taken in Euro Disney on the coldest day ever!

Dreams

A dream I've had this past week described in detail isn't going to happen as I can barely remember what happened 10 minutes ago never mind a dream! Also is it not kind of boring to hear about people dreams! Instead I've decided to share a few random things that have happened in dreams in the past...

1. Swimming with paper dolphins yes paper dolphins 

2. My cat could talk and we had a day out together

3. The classic falling dream and being woken with a jolt

4. When I was little I had a dream I lived in Toys R us which was pretty cool when you are five.

I feel like roasting some parsnips! Hope you all had a lovely weekend :)

Love 

B