Thank you

thank you thank you :) all of you lovely bloggers are so wonderful and supportive. Lets pretend yesterday didn't happen though. It was awful and I just need to forget it so!

happy butternuts

believe it or not I did not create this! it did however smack a smile on my own face! while shopping today I discovered this in the fruit and veg aisle which perked me up. I was then even more delighted when I got a butternut squash for 28p which is amazing. Upon checking my receipt it turns out I had by accident beeped it through self service as broccoli. Oopsy! 

Spin today was good, I had a great run while watching house ;) and the pool was not freezing!

This weeks plans

Study

Doctors appointment

Meeting mother on Wednesday

Physio

Coffee date with a friend

Hopefully seeing my sister

A picture that makes you feel

This photograph was taken while on a trip to Venice in 2008 and its makes me feel happy, inspired, hopeful and free. The reason? I travelled Italy alone, I met wonderful people, I wasn't chained to a gym and I was in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Today I struggled and I can't live with feeling this exhausted, ill, frightened and scared anymore. I am so unhappy and consumed by an illness. I have let anorexia take my identity and I have let it define me as a person. I don't know who I am anymore and use this awful eating disorder as a mask denying my own self to flourish. It has left me with a mere existence and I can't cope with the pressure it has on me on a hourly basis. I am falling apart physically and mentally so I need to commit to make changes starting with tapering back this week. No matter what I need to cut down as I want to do the 10k this weekend and I have a feeling if I don't sort out my nutrition and exercise compulsion NOW then I won't be doing very much at all never mind running any races. After my run I ditched swimming today because I was a mess and yes I did feel insanely guilty but I'm still here, the world did not end and I didn't have to endure cold pool water. Its wake up call after wake up call at the moment and the fact a local shop keeper where I get my water commented on the fact I do far too much is a sign that its time to challenge this habit of mine.

Small steps guys small steps...

Love

B