Hello Sunshine

Veggies

Cous Cous mix with a sneaky pepsi max

I headed to London last week with Darcy (more on this later) for my grandmothers funeral which was in Maidstone.

Such a quaint lovely place to visit and where I was born!

God bless M&S bargains! 10p! 10p! 10p!

I arrived at my dads new bungalow on the Sunday  and got up bright and early on the Monday for my free 5 day membership at LA fitness to get my fix. 

Tuesday was the day of my Grandmothers funeral which was a very sad obviously but it was a lovely service and she would of been so happy that all the family were together. I miss her and she will never be forgotten ♥

Darcy came with me on the train because as I mentioned before he was having a lot of problems living in my little flat. He had became increasingly unhappy and was continually trying to get outside which would be fine if I didn't live in the middle of a City. The problems were getting worse and he was cooped up and miserable being an indoor kitty. My older sister offered to take care of him as she lives in the country and has a garden. As much as it broke my heart I realised what I wanted and what he needed were two very different things. It was evident from when he arrived he was miles happier and I had made the right decision for him. My niece Poppy utterly adores him and he is getting plenty of attention and I still see him but right now there is a huge darcy shaped hole in my life (i'm crying writing this) as I miss him a heck of a lot. A huge thank you to Freya for her support and reassurance as she helped put things in perspective and her kindness made me feel much better.

There was a lot of sadness and hard times but it was nice to see my family and spend time with Dad and my sisters. Also I got chance to have a short trip to London and swing by... Whole foods!

I lack in funds so I only got myself a fruit salad from the bar, some pistatio nut butter (gross btw) and a raw chocolate brownie.

I am now back in Glasgow and good news is my cellulitis cleared up but has since flared up on my other foot but luckily no where near as bad as I caught it before it had chance to floor me again. I am having a bit of an off week if I'm being honest and I've hesitated posting because I was hoping there would be a shift in my mood. However I am on a low, avoiding talking to people not because I'm mean but I just don't have anything to really say! and my opinon of myself right now is the worst its been for a long while. I am struggling with my body image and although people have said I haven't I feel like I've gained lots of weight and thoughts of cutting food, boosting exercise and going crazy have regularly been on my mind. I don't really know what to do as despite not being as thin as I once was I still feel really entrenched in ED ways and it worries my that it will never leave me. I try to shift the focus but I just feel trapped and feel like the only way to get better is to get worse which is stupid I know. I just had to get that out there because I don't really know what to do. Nobody can change how I feel about myself but surely there must be some let up where I don't take every comment to heart and just feel weighed down constantly.

This weeks plans

Book train for London (sisters wedding in August!!!)

Half marathon training

Doctors

See my mamabear

Study

Book work

Enjoy the beautiful sunshine

Comments

I just need to get this off my chest and I hands up admit that some of my irrational mind translates these throw away remarks in a downright irrational negative way but sometimes people should THINK before they speak.

"OMG you have gained so much weight" Nobody wants to hear this.

"You don't LOOK like you have an eating disorder" Yeah because its a mental illness

"I know so & so and they have a problem whereas you... you look much healthier" Crazy I know but that just translates as fat to me. Sadly I do enough comparing on own and don't need other people to do it for me.

"Have you gained yet?" None of your god damn business

"Your face looks really puffy" Probably because I've been crying (again)! In my mind I just heard... "Your face got really fat"

In the gym... "Slacking off are you?" "Go a bit faster" "Work harder" k thanks for your input but my mind repeats these every minute of the day I don't need them vocalised.

A really irrational one on my behalf but "You look so WELL" just makes me feel like hell. Its a compliment but it stirs up so much in my mind its unreal.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve really does come at a price sometimes but I won't become glued to a heart rate monitor to count every bleeding calorie because of daft comments. Its just not worth it really is it...?

My Story

Thank you so much to Barb for letting my share my story on her blog ♥ :) If you have a moment feel free to have a little read.

Love

B

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

Eating disorders effect so many people and I would urge everyone to get involved in eating disorder awareness week as there is way too much stigma surrounding this illness and many people are suffering in silence.

If you or someone you know is suffering from this horrible illness please speak to someone and know that there is life after an eating disorder.

BEAT 

National Eating Disorders 

B