No let up

Sunny Glasgow town

I swear you would think I make up half the stuff on this blog as it just seems to be doom followed by gloom followed by doom. I'll get the bad stuff out the way first so we can end this post on a good note...

My beautiful grandmother aged 88 died last Monday evening due to heart failure. It was completely unexpected as despite her ailments she was really mobile and had a more active social life than myself. We have been blessed in our family that we have never lost a close member which has made this bereavement even harder to deal with.

I felt in shock about the death and proceeded to continue as normally as one could but I felt really unwell. I put it down to the fact I've never lost a loved one and that I would feel okay again by the weekend. Well that didn't happen! I got progressively worse when my temperature sky rocketed, I felt completely disorientated and was unable to keep anything including water in my system. On Friday I woke up with tracking up my leg and an incredible painful foot so an emergency appointment and half an hour later I was diagnosed with celluitus and sent packing with 12 antibiotics per day. I was told it could of turned into blood poisoning and if I had left it any longer I would of been hooked up to an IV for antibiotics. However this still remains a possibility because I am not healing as fast as I should be so keep everything crossed my body bounces back within the next 48 hours.

Brighter things! The girl well or I should say lady with the red hair is my younger sister Chloe! Graduating in Film & Media studies with a huge 2:1 :) Our proud parents and I went to her graduation last week which was lovely and the sun was shining all day for her ♥

Why what on earth is in here you ask?

 One ball of amazingness

Oatmeal cookie

Chocolate nana muffin

All made lovingly by my wonderful gym buddy bestie Sarah ♥

I'll be swimming in the pool and will catch her sneaking a cutesy tuppaware box under my soap bag. The rest of the swim I wonder what magical creation Sarah has cooked up and look forward to having a peak before I've even hit the showers. She really is a sweetheart :)

My other goodie great news is............. drumroll

dun 

dun 

duuuuun

I passed my fitness Anatomy and Physiology level 2 theory course with 86% mark

I had kept it quiet that I had started the course and was due to sit my exam because I was feel all superstitious and was worried I was going to fail but I didn't!!!! I passed with probably my best mark for an exam (I'm more an essay girl) ever :D

So its good news bad news week and I've tried my best to steer away from being a Debbie Downer and I hope you can all hang round during this difficult time. I am still reading all your blogs and appreciate every comment and great support from you lovelies.

Getaway

Last weekend I escaped Glasgow and took a trip to Inveraray. It was a little rainy but I had a lovely little day out and discovered a cute cafe called brambles that served good coffee. 

The week that followed has been horrible and I swayed about posting about this but I think I need to for myself also to show others that including an eating disorder in your life is not worth the pain or hassle. I think anorexia had me under the illusion I was doing miles better... I was doing a little better but not as much as I should be. I relapsed for two days and my body decided to give in and sent me packing to hospital again :( 

My haemoglobin dropped to dangerously low because of malnutrition and I was prodded with needles and experienced lot of discomfort not to mention a dreadful nights sleep. It was basically a hellish horrible experience that I want to avoid at all costs. This means challenging my negative thoughts and overcoming them long before I wind up in a situation like that again. Continuing the way I have been is just going to lead to life time of scenarios like the above or worse. Its no way of life and I need to push on forward to pull myself out of this. I am just grateful I had two of my wonderful friends there to support me and words cannot describe how thankful I am to have such amazing people in my life.

Its been a while since I have blogged so I will include a mixed mash of photographs of the past few weeks...

Vanilla yogurt cereal mess

Cous Cous with veggies and salad

Amusing grape (random I know)

Mothers Autumn Garden

So its been a stressful few weeks and there can be no slips with my food intake or tacking on extra milage to runs because I cannot afford to become poorly and let this illness continue to dominate my life.  

I don't know if I am being too open about things but I feel this blog holds me accountable for enforcing changes which can only be a good thing right?!

Anyway I hope you are all wrapped up warm in cosy scarfs, hats & gloves as a cold spell has decided to pop by and say hello.

Love

A&E

I was out running and something nipped my arm... a midgie! (aka punkies, irratating, annoying, other undesirable words). Now! Any normal person would be okay that nothing a little after bite won't solve. Unless you are me! Oh yes I'm allergic to bites and take quite the cracking reaction combined with my none existent immune system equate to quite a fair degree of pain. It started as a little itch but became sore and swollen on the soft side of my arm. I'm a fighter so plowed on with the following days activities but as the day went on it got worse. It looked like someone had gotten a bit peckish and nibbled my arm (it wasn't me... honest!). Anyway the red started to spread and I felt quite out of sorts and was advised by the pharmacist to pop into a&e.

Accident & Emergency was jam packed which is to be expected on a Friday night but for some reason they took me in immediately. I felt really overwhelmed and started to cry... I was crying because a midge had bitten me! Seriously?! Yeah... seriously. The doctors started trying to push me to drink lucozade that rotten fizzy funny coloured drink. I was kinda of unaware at the time but I was there about one thing and they were looking at another. My eating disorder. After a protest that I do not want or need to be put on a feeding drip nor do I want to go into a unit again so I was relived when they finally looked at my arm. I was given antibiotics and after a long discussion was allowed to go home with my mother.

On reflection and after a lot of talking round in circles (as per usual) I have realised that I can't live like this anymore. A miniscule thing happened and it almost tipped my body over the edge. I am constantly on this knife edge between recovery and debilitating relapse. This was made perfectly clear by all the fuss I caused on Friday night. I don't like drama and prefer to hide away from people so I need this shake up. I may not want to gain weight, I'm scared what people will say, the anorexia wants to hold on to me but it scared me to even write this but I need to take the steps to rearrange my life. I'm miserable, sore and exhausted and the least of my worries which triggered all this I have a unsightly huge red dot on my arm. As much as we curse these little creatures I should probably say thanks... thank you, cheers mr midge for reminding me what I need to do.

Today...

was not my day!

To start... I slept in so had to quickly pack my things to head to the gym. I was going through the motions of putting things into my locker and bent down to collect my bag and on my way back up successfully clunked my head of the locker door. Ouchies! I have a incline the cute swim coach seen so being the smooth chick I am I pretended I didn't just knock myself stupid. Man oh man did it hurt though!

Fast forward two minutes and the gym toilets were full so I skipped through to the health suite. Now don't let the word 'suite' deceive you... my cat would hesitate about using the loo's in that place! Anyway after I unlock the door the handle practically falls off in my hand. I was trapped! Trapped in the health suite toilets! I considered squiggling under the door but ew the floor! so I yelped for a little while until what sounded like a small gathering outside.  One woman reads aloud the 'Out of Order' sign on the door perhaps I smacked my head harder than I thought and was temporarily blinded on my way in. I heard an announcement over the tannoy requesting help. There was talk of having to remove the door handle when the door popped open. Some random man had managed to rescue me so he received a thank you hug and the I scampered away in embarrassment to the gym.

Of course.... things have to come in threes and that late start in the morning made going swimming a slight problem as during my crazed rush I had forgotten my swimming costume. Don't worry I don't do nude swimming so I went home and returned for a good swim this evening.

However I am delighted that tresor cereal has made its way to the UK under the fitting name 'Krave'. Yum! I think you should all go have a bowl of this deelish breakfast munch immediately.

Hope you lovelies had a better day than me!

Much love

B