Getaway

Last weekend I escaped Glasgow and took a trip to Inveraray. It was a little rainy but I had a lovely little day out and discovered a cute cafe called brambles that served good coffee. 

The week that followed has been horrible and I swayed about posting about this but I think I need to for myself also to show others that including an eating disorder in your life is not worth the pain or hassle. I think anorexia had me under the illusion I was doing miles better... I was doing a little better but not as much as I should be. I relapsed for two days and my body decided to give in and sent me packing to hospital again :( 

My haemoglobin dropped to dangerously low because of malnutrition and I was prodded with needles and experienced lot of discomfort not to mention a dreadful nights sleep. It was basically a hellish horrible experience that I want to avoid at all costs. This means challenging my negative thoughts and overcoming them long before I wind up in a situation like that again. Continuing the way I have been is just going to lead to life time of scenarios like the above or worse. Its no way of life and I need to push on forward to pull myself out of this. I am just grateful I had two of my wonderful friends there to support me and words cannot describe how thankful I am to have such amazing people in my life.

Its been a while since I have blogged so I will include a mixed mash of photographs of the past few weeks...

Vanilla yogurt cereal mess

Cous Cous with veggies and salad

Amusing grape (random I know)

Mothers Autumn Garden

So its been a stressful few weeks and there can be no slips with my food intake or tacking on extra milage to runs because I cannot afford to become poorly and let this illness continue to dominate my life.  

I don't know if I am being too open about things but I feel this blog holds me accountable for enforcing changes which can only be a good thing right?!

Anyway I hope you are all wrapped up warm in cosy scarfs, hats & gloves as a cold spell has decided to pop by and say hello.

Love

Recap

Zippity do da

Woah! Its been a while again so time for a little recap yes?

Hole 

Perhaps one of the best gigs I have been to! I have been a Hole fan Courtney Love obsessive since I was about thirteen so to finally get to see her in the flesh 10 years on was amaze! She played for over two hours and Eva and I didn't want the night to end... so we stayed & we met her kind of... (I touched her coat).

 

Blip

I mentioned a little while ago about the possibility of a short inpatient admission... which sadly happened on May 4th. Things had spiraled out of control with regard to my eating disorder and I was becoming physically very unwell. However I didn't last very long on the EDU but being in hospital again gave me the shake up that was very much needed. However this weekend has been really bad and I am struggling at the moment. I don't want to delve into too much right now partly because I think anorexia has had too much space in my life for way too long. I am trying my best to stay on track and been attending regular appointments. Its a slow process and frustrating for everyone around which I feel incredibly guilty about as it seems I take two steps forward followed by four leaps back. Right now I feel at quite a loss and I am battling negative thoughts constantly.

University 

Well! I have completed my final exam which was stressful and exhausting but I went, I wrote, I tried and now... I hope! Hope for a pass mark so I can finally graduate and get my degree! I'm an impatient little madam so this waiting game is not chocolate biscuits.  

Finally

Check my waldorf salad I created!

In thee bowl... celery, beetroot, red onion, tomato, red grapes, green grapes, apple, dried pineapple, sultanas and walnuts. 

Pretty and yummy!

This was rather brief and sketchy but Darcy is looking for cuddles and is threatening to walk all over the keyboard. Now University is finished I hope to start updating on a more regular basis :)

B

Stuck

I have a few important decisions to make after my latest appointment... basically I have been advised to go in patient again as my exercise regime is slightly out of control & my intake hasn't increased. I don't want to leave my surroundings and my cat so I really think I need to use this to be a bit more open about how things really are.

I pay way too much attention to what people say and take things to heart like a total baba. The most recent ones on my appearance have greatly upset me and feel like I am being judged or something? Having maintained a low weight for a while I guess people are used to seeing me therefore I am petrified to gain weight in fear of what people will say or think I'm a terrible person for giving in. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I'd be failing and I would hate to be a failure. My eating disorder and exercise addiction has completely consumed my life and isn't healthy by any standard. Yet I feel like I'm not as bad as other people with the same/similar problem and don't need the help and eventually it will be okay. I paste on my brave face, smile, blush and try to pretend that everything really isn't that difficult or hard. However inside I am struggling and feel so ambivalent about what I should do.

How does one deal with remarks on weight etc? looking 'well' is the one I find hardest to take on board which is silly but I'm being such a girl right now.

Photo happy cat meow posts soon

B