Hello Sunshine

Veggies

Cous Cous mix with a sneaky pepsi max

I headed to London last week with Darcy (more on this later) for my grandmothers funeral which was in Maidstone.

Such a quaint lovely place to visit and where I was born!

God bless M&S bargains! 10p! 10p! 10p!

I arrived at my dads new bungalow on the Sunday  and got up bright and early on the Monday for my free 5 day membership at LA fitness to get my fix. 

Tuesday was the day of my Grandmothers funeral which was a very sad obviously but it was a lovely service and she would of been so happy that all the family were together. I miss her and she will never be forgotten ♥

Darcy came with me on the train because as I mentioned before he was having a lot of problems living in my little flat. He had became increasingly unhappy and was continually trying to get outside which would be fine if I didn't live in the middle of a City. The problems were getting worse and he was cooped up and miserable being an indoor kitty. My older sister offered to take care of him as she lives in the country and has a garden. As much as it broke my heart I realised what I wanted and what he needed were two very different things. It was evident from when he arrived he was miles happier and I had made the right decision for him. My niece Poppy utterly adores him and he is getting plenty of attention and I still see him but right now there is a huge darcy shaped hole in my life (i'm crying writing this) as I miss him a heck of a lot. A huge thank you to Freya for her support and reassurance as she helped put things in perspective and her kindness made me feel much better.

There was a lot of sadness and hard times but it was nice to see my family and spend time with Dad and my sisters. Also I got chance to have a short trip to London and swing by... Whole foods!

I lack in funds so I only got myself a fruit salad from the bar, some pistatio nut butter (gross btw) and a raw chocolate brownie.

I am now back in Glasgow and good news is my cellulitis cleared up but has since flared up on my other foot but luckily no where near as bad as I caught it before it had chance to floor me again. I am having a bit of an off week if I'm being honest and I've hesitated posting because I was hoping there would be a shift in my mood. However I am on a low, avoiding talking to people not because I'm mean but I just don't have anything to really say! and my opinon of myself right now is the worst its been for a long while. I am struggling with my body image and although people have said I haven't I feel like I've gained lots of weight and thoughts of cutting food, boosting exercise and going crazy have regularly been on my mind. I don't really know what to do as despite not being as thin as I once was I still feel really entrenched in ED ways and it worries my that it will never leave me. I try to shift the focus but I just feel trapped and feel like the only way to get better is to get worse which is stupid I know. I just had to get that out there because I don't really know what to do. Nobody can change how I feel about myself but surely there must be some let up where I don't take every comment to heart and just feel weighed down constantly.

This weeks plans

Book train for London (sisters wedding in August!!!)

Half marathon training

Doctors

See my mamabear

Study

Book work

Enjoy the beautiful sunshine

42.35

BOO YEAH! My 10k time was my personal best and I came in 55th out of... wait for it... 12, 000 ladies. Okay enough bragging... TWELVE THOUSAND! Ahem.

Race day was kicked off early am by a frantic telephone call from K asking if I had safety pins (its okay we got some). I headed to meet the girls and was tuned to the moon with excitement and nerves. We got a parking space which was quite a distance from the start line and headed over to the race. It was hot and humid so I was a little worried as I hadn't ran in that sort of heat before. We bagged a place near the front and got ready to RUN!

I knew from the get go it was going to be a hard one because my breathing was all over the place. I've never had this problem but seriously it was horrible. Luckily my legs felt super and carried me through as I cursed the 7km hill. The last 3km were hard as my breathing was still shockingly bad and I just felt pretty unwell but I started so I'll finish...

And finish I did! In 42 minutes 35 seconds. I reckon I could of picked it up at the end but I collapsed once I crossed the finish line. Insanely embarrassing! I was whisked to the first aid tent where they wouldn't let me leave because of a problem with my pulse. I finally felt steady enough to go find the others but with it being a huge event I found myself wandering for a good while. When I did eventually find everyone I weeped in K's arms and got a rollicking about not eating enough pre race. I don't usually eat before a run but had managed a little something that morning. I felt this was suffice but it wasn't and I got everything I deserved. In fact I'm lucky and have learnt my lesson the hard way. I have nobody to blame except myself and to think I could of done that bit better if I had eaten that bit more. Gah!

I have realised from this dreadful experience its anorexic or athlete. I can't be both! I have to choose wether I want to be sick, sore, constantly injured and SLOW or strong, fit, fast and accomplished. I am at war with myself because I cling on to anorexia as I feel like its a relationship that I know is bad for me but can't seem to sever ties. The weight gain terrifies me the most and peoples reactions and comments are the hardest to deal with which I've mentioned before. I feel like my identity is anorexia and without it I am just nothing and what else do I focus on? Its like its a fall back for when things get tough but its not acceptable and it really is soul destroying. I often think I will always have this illness but sometimes it may not be as visible as it has been which makes me feel like a fraud. Does that make sense? Probably not as I can feel myself going off on a tangent and I really don't feel up to explaining it all. Bottom line is I am driving myself crazy and I am having a very distorted body image week/ month/ year. I hope it isn't always this fricken hard and I can be like the wonderful ladies that have completely overcome things :)

Sorry for a pretty incoherent post that I suppose is quite disordered but I have no where else to express myself and I'm fed up of suffering in silence.

London Marathon

This time... just over the half marathon! This is called increasing mileage VERY slowly ;)

Oh wow I'm super jealous of all those crazy runners that were doing the London Marathon! The furthest I have ran is 13.11 miles (as of today) but I would love love love to give a marathon a go . It was one of my New Years resolotions but everyone I know has advised me against it due to my health. I can't help but feel annoyed and want to do one anyway but then again take my time and be able to run lots versus never running again. I ran (pun intended) it past my doc to see her thoughts and she practically laughed me out the door. I can kind of see why but the ED part of me is like 'you aren't sick anymore its all goood' but I know thats a pretty distorted thought considering how I have been of late.

As for my time I didn't actually look because I reset the treadmill before I had chance... I was just glad to have completed a good distance :) People get so caught up in times and thats not what running should be about especially if you are running often. I have enough injuries thank you!

Anyway. Another beautiful sunny day! I went a cycle and it was just glorious. I love my bike even if it is a size fit for a 12 year old. What can I say?! I'm a shorty!

New M&S side salad range is delish! I haven't tried the others because sadly they are mainly rice based. This has quinoa which I do like!

Well its getting late and I need some shut eye. 

Fingers crossed for a sunny Monday!

♥

Starsign

Sagittarius

I was waiting in the Docs office today and I had read the newspaper cover to cover so boredom struck and I read my starsign. Now I don't tend to believe in that sort of thing because it is so general but the above probably hits the nail pretty firmly on the head for me right now.

Giveaway

As part of NEDA week Beat have teamed up with UK high street store New Look to sell pink and blue watches to raise awareness. I got not one but two today one for myself and one for you! This is my first giveaway and I think its a great cause so how do you enter you ask?!

There are four ways to enter:

1) What colour would be your first choice? Blue or Pink?

2) Tweet or Facebook this then let me know 

3) Add me to your blogroll and comment to let me know 

 4) Link this post and let me know

The winner will be announced on Monday the 28th of February.

Good luck and lots of love!

Wednesday Warrior

Arielle was the first recovery blog I came across and it was a welcome relief to find someone positive and motivating compared to some of the stuff I've come across while looking for help. As mentioned previously its National Eating Disorder Awareness Week and the lovely Arielle has agreed to share her story with my readers.  Please follow the links below to hear Arielle's personal story and please check her blog for lots more information on recovery and struggles faced when dealing with an Eating Disorder.   

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

 Part Four

 Thank you so much to Arielle and heres to you our Wednesday Warrior :)

NEDA

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

This is something I am very passionate about and if you want to help and support the cause please visit beats webpage to donate or if you are struggling with any eating disorder or know of someone with an ED the page has a lot of support and advice to offer. 

This week I want to try to raise awareness and for people to speak up about Eating Disorder and the effects of living with one. If you want to share you story please email me as I have a few posts relating to this matter all week and need your help to dispel the eating disorder myths and reveal the truth about ED's. 

butterflyshapes@gmail.com

Sidcup 10 Miles

Got the race face on baby!

and we're off!

I look so happy to be running!

The guy that came in first... when he lapped me I remember thinking he should pace himself if he wants to make it to the end.... little did I know he was on his last lap :O

Sprrrrrrrint

Hi finish line! 1.14?! what?

I didn't win and people run fast all the time but for me 1 hour 14 minutes for a 10 miler is pretty frickin good! I was so happy, my dad gave me a massive hug and inhaled a fruit salad. It rained the entire time and I didn't care as it was pretty refreshing and nice. It didn't feel like 10 miles and just had a great atmosphere! I got talking to this man that has been running marathons for 27 years! It was probably the best race I've participated in and I'm so pleased I got the chance to do it. 

The remainder of the weekend was spent visiting relatives, spending time with my gorgeous niece Poppy, celebrating my Grandmas Birthday, hanging out with my Dad and sister, shopping in Maidstone and taking advantage of my free 3 day pass at LA fitness which had a lovely warm pool.

I returned on Monday feeling somewhat deflated and in all honesty found being away from my home and routine extremely hard. I'm disappointed that I can't seem to shift myself out of this mindset and feel attached to schedules and repetition. If something goes slightly off balance I just fall apart and anxiety just sets in. I don't really know what to do except take it apart little by little and hope one day I can be SPONTANEOUS perhaps not eh? but just a little less high strung at least!

This weeks plans

Appointments galore

Sleep more as I am so lacking in this department

Study

Go and see Tangled with the girls

Tidy... oh its an exciting life I lead la la le la

Love

Jillian Michael's

Yoga Meltdown

After trying 30 day shred (amazing btw) Level 3 is a nice little killer and for a 20 minute workout its pretty super. Anyway! I decided to try out Michael's yoga meltdown... I should of known that no session featuring Jillian was going to be plain sailing. My weekly yoga class is very zen, calming and relaxing. This dvd however is quite the opposite...

Level 1 was relatively slow paced but I'm used to hearing Jillian shout at you to leave the dvd on and not to give up. It would be hard to relax while she is about ;) Level 2 was a great workout and really enjoyable too. Definitely worth a shot if you want a yoga workout and I would reccomend 30 day shred for strength and cardio training for sure.

 The crow pose I could not do

However I successfully (ahem minus the leg in the air) perfected the wheel

I haven't got a lot else to up date on at the moment. I cooked my friend Sarah a meal on Saturday night which was nice as she is full of compliments about my cooking and for someone that believes they can't cook its always lovely to hear. 

Butternut squash nut roast with a selection of roasted veggies

I am a bit useless at coming up with meal ideas other than roast veg so if anyone has any fancy simple-ish dishes then send them my way. I do enjoy cooking for others! Oh what an ED thing to say haha but genuinely I do love seeing people enjoy their food and envy anyone that has a healthy relationship with food. 

Today I had a whirly spin class, 10 mile run and good old swim. I also improved on my rowing technique and actually put more focus into what I was actually doing because rowing had become somewhat a tiresome chore. I think I caught myself yawning at least 5 times during row your boat times last week which told me it was time for a work out shake up. Afterwards I zoomed to the doctors on my bike and I am pleased to say not a single car beeped at me today. Its a record guys! seriously. So I had to get my blood taken which is never fun and I am hoping results come back a little better than my last lot. Fingers crossed!

This weeks plan

Appointment

Study

Prep for London times (Pack clothes, organise iPod, etc)

Meet Chloe

Usual 

Love

Wagamamamama

So I finally sampled the tastes of wagamama with mother dearest :) This is one of the first times I've ever really dined out in Glasgow since moving here (5 years ago). I never go to restaurants because of the anxiety and fear but I conquered it and mother and I managed to bag a quiet table in the corner which made me feel a lot better. The menu has lots of different styles of dishes ranging from noodles to soup. Obviously I ordered a raw salad because I love me some lettuce leafs. I also challeneged myself and ordered a rice dish with tofu which is something I would never ussually give a whirl. I'm glad I did because the tofu was dreamy but I can't say I liked the rest of the dish because I'm not a huge fan of rice. I probably subconsciously ordered something I wasn't hugely keen on because my ED did get the better when it came to ordering. However going out in itself was a big step so hopefully next time I can be a bit braver.

Mother

Mums side dish 

My raw salad

Miso Soup

Tofu dish

Mums Meal

Spending time with mum was just what we both needed and it was a lovely eve. We chatted about future plans and decided we need to spend more time together as its something that has come somewhat neglected these past few months. After our meal we headed to the Princess square for coffee and photo taking.

While we were chatting the exercise situation came up and the fact I'm doing too much. To be honest I knew this but have been wearing the blinkers for a while just thinking that its 'not that bad'. It is though and my new years resolution about spending less gym time has fallen by the wayside. I don't like to discuss it too much here because a) I don't want to trigger others and b) I thought if I ignore it then perhaps its not a problem at all. The latter is a total fool proof way of becoming an idiot though because I am suffering the consquences of the amount of physical activity I've been doing. Exhaustion being the main one and the fact I came very close to burn out today. I was welling up at the thought of running and thats so unlike me! I wanted to run but didn't if that makes sense? I'm also very sore, achey, cold and pretty run down. Like right now I could do with sleeping for a week or two but y'know thats not an option. However I would like to go to sleep a little earlier than I have been of late but when I go to bed I instantly waken up. So frustrating! Luckily I'm heading off to London with my sister next week which will be great as I get to see the whole family and usually when I go to my Dads I tend to relax rather than chase.

This weeks plan


Ease up on myself a little so I'm brighter for going away
Study
Pop to the library
Meet friends for coffee
Yoga
Azure ray on Friday

Anorexia Kills

Isabelle Caro 12/11/82- 17/11/10

This blog post may cause a bit of controversy but I am sick to the back teeth of receiving emails and comments from the 'pro anorexic' movements. I have never and never will agree with any of the 'help' they have on offer as I have enough negativity flowing in my mind without it being reinforced thank you very much. The above is what happens to those that suffer at the hands of anorexia... they die.

I remember when I first encountered the term pro anorexia... my first year at university, second day on lunch break I was trying to do the social thing and wound up making 'friends' with what could only be described as a total idiot. This particular idiot stated we should all 'boycott lunch' to be good 'pro ana's'. What?! I didn't understand and goggled the term when I got home that day. I was positively shocked and disgusted at what I found! People were advocating eating disorders with hints, tips and tricks alongside thinspiration photographs. It is still happening and it truly is sick and disgusting. One particular woman that will always stand out in my mind is the emaciated images of Isabelle Caro many of these pro anorexics were using this very ill undernourished female as an idol. Anorexia is a distorted horrid illness that you don't pick and choose to have and from some of the things I have read people were hoping yes hoping to get an eating disorder. I would love to see a stop put to theses websites and for people to understand that anorexia or any other form of ED is not a choice.

The true reality of where anorexia will get you is a box in the ground six feet under. Isabelle Caro who was used in the campaign against anorexia died very recently at the young age of 28. That is what this vicious illness will do to you and if you are one of those people looking for clarification that its okay to starve or whatever please look else where.

Stop pro anorexia

Happy New Year

Happy New Year Sweeties!

11 miles to start 2011!

Its a cracking good start! My garmin arrived yesterday a few days late but its here and I ♥ it. Now I have to wait the footpod arriving. Gah! I used my nike band for my new years run today and my what a pleasant run. I met my good friend at the park in mild temperatures, clear air and no rain/snow/ice. I have decided that I will run outside more in order to get out the confines of the gym. That goal brings me to talk about my new year resolutions...

Eleven goals for 2011

1. Outdoor Activity- Cycling and running outdoors a lot more rather than slogging it out in the gym letting hours of my day dwindle away because I'm compelled to do that one more miles on the elliptical or an extra 20 minutes on the rower. No more! Its tiresome and boring.

2. Sign up for races and have something to train towards. Starting with Arthers seat next week, duathlon in March and all going well I would love to do a marathon this year. 

3. Stretch stretch and more stretching

4. Make time for things other than a grueling exercise regime.

5. Bake and make new recepies

6. Throw myself into my work and study

7. Stop caring about what people thing/ do/ say as at the end of the day... what does it matter?!

8. Don't let numbers, weight and calories dictate my life! This is a hard one as I feel its something that will always be with me but I don't want it to rule and control me like it has been doing. I need to shift the focus a little and step outside the box even if its one foot. Its gotta be better than being stuck inside the box.

9. Visit new places and travel outside Glasgow. This could be a adventure to Loch Lomond, a trip to London to meet up with Laura or a City break in Europe (finance depending)

10. Write more wether it be on here, journalling or finally finishing my book (something that I started i.e one chapter and have yet to finish!)

11. Moan less! I feel I whinge way too much and I need to start being a little more positive as nobody likes hanaging out with Miss Negativity


Do you have new years resolutions? What are your hopes for 2011?

Love

Lush

Total lack of words in my last post so I am more than likely going to make up for it in this update ;) you have been warned!

Today the gym re opened which was a welome relief! I missed swimming a lot and the two days out of my routine made me quite the anxious mess. I realise a lot of that is eating disorder related and just tried to be strong and kept in mind that it was only 2 days and not the end of the world. Admittedly I did got out a run in treacherous conditions, slipped, fell and hit my hip off the concrete. When the City has become an ice rink it is not sensible to go running. Luckily I was the only lunatic out running about and nobody was around to witness my comical fall. I came across a new park and I noticed some swans huddled by a tree which informed me that the smooth bit of 'land' was in fact a icy pond. Don't worry I used common sense and found a relatively safe football pitch to do some laps.

Later I hit up the Christmas sales which were disappointing to say the least but I did get...

Snow fairy! It smells lush... funny that?

Every shopper looked like bambi as the ice was actually lethal! I am so over this Winter weather!

This weeks plan

Proper home clear out in time for the end of 2010
Some writing
Preparation for NYE
Stretch (seriously need to do this more often)
Wear pretty clothes as I tend to kick about in gym gear 99.9% of the time

Jumble

At the weekend I met my sister for Rumble in the Jumble ! The event was organised by Arlene, Angela and Lynn and they did a great job. It was a really lovely day and I always enjoy my time with Chloe :)

Sundays are not ussually restful for me and are jam packed full of classes, running, gym and swimming. I managed to curb it for the day! Minus the mid afternoon need for a little walk. I intended resting for the day because I had been feeling poorly and the anemia is in fully swing again D: but the drive to do something took over and I did go out running pre outing. At least I wasn't pushing to the limit the entire day! It made me realise that I can take a few hours off to do other things but also the reality that I am using exercise as a means of distraction. Distraction from life in general but also from the stack of ailments that are currently mounting. Despite the fact I was doing very little the majority of Sunday I felt sore, cold and exhausted. It was like everything I have been doing caught up and was like 'hey there'! When I'm working out I reckon I just go into a zone and block out any signals that my body is sending out. Whereas if sit down for just a moment I find out that I perhaps need to ease up a little. Its so hard though and I just feel compelled to keep going all the time! I feel pretty repetitive and I'm sure all this is rather boring to hear... 

I shall move onto brighter things :) Heres a peak at some of the goodies I took home... halloween cupcakes made by Angela, chocolate scented candles and a cute pink telephone!

I have an early appointment in the morning and I'm chilly so off to cuddle a hot water bottle like a right old lady. 

Love

Life

My meaning of life ... is to do what you believe in and be content and happy doing what you enjoy. I am not a religious kinda girl but do think if someone has a belief then that is their choice and shouldn't be disrespected. Anyway I don't want to be all philosophical and deep because a) I can't be bothered b) this 'insight challenge' is sending me into a little bit of a snore! I could ramble for hours but I am pretty sure nobody wants to hear such waffle! Instead have a giggle at my race photographs...

slow & steady

eat my dust

ponytail swoosh

outta the way mate

Also my name appeared in the paper with my time!

Do you remember the guilty pleasures post? I have something to add to my list... Ultimate Big Brother. I hear you groan but its simple watching and provides good background entertainment while blogging and the like. Anyway justifications aside I want to say how much last nights episode resonated with with me when Nikki Grahame (the girl that moans and throws tantrums) spoke candidly about her experience with anorexia. If you have a moment then you can view the video here and is definitely worth a little watch. Eating disorders in any form upset me greatly because you genuinely have little or no control if it grips hold and for me... it doesn't leave you. You may look better but mentally and physically the sad reality is an eating disorder never truly goes away because at one point or another is massive part of your life. In time it can become less of an issue and the day that I can speak the way Grahame did about facing your demons and having a laugh at the fact 'my jeans don't fit' then I know I will have come a long way. 

Well its 9 o clock so I am off to indulge in my Channel 4 guilty pleasure and drink tea :)

B