Overdue

So I have been meaning to update ALL week but I've been in a funny place & I'm only getting round to it now. 2 hours 9 minutes for the Swimathon... not half as bad as I was expecting! knocked a good 16 minutes off my time so I'm pretty pleased. Considering I couldn't kick off properly because of the blasted tendentious (leave my knees alone) Would of liked to have got under the 2 hours but there is always next year...

I am feeling pretty low about the lack of treatment I am going to receive and the fact that my key nurse may be taken away. The thing about my eating disorder is that its actually a symptom of my other mental health problems. You see I don't tend to talk about my other 'issues' in fear of coming across like a complete attention seeker or fear of being judged. Its something that needs addressing though as an eating disorder doesn't just appear one day y'know? I've always struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. In fact even as a child I never felt quite 'right' and was very dependent on my parents. Its a shocker I actually moved out on my own because I was always so close to my family. I have become a complete pro at faking it and acting completely 'fine' sometimes I'm almost elated. My mood is like a pendulum as I can feel very productive, happy, excitable and have lots of plans. As quickly as this burst of joy came it can rapidly disappear and result in tears, low motivation and very much a can't be bothered approach. Sometimes this can last a few weeks other times it goes on for prolonged periods. Many labels have been thrown about from aspergers, bi polar to borderline which leaves me feeling even more screwed up. The borderline one gets me especially because I know people with this and I don't feel I fit the criteria at all. Labels shmabels I guess! Anyway whatever the underlying issue is I need the support to deal with it and through all the changes I have always had this one consistent person over seeing my care. From the hospital admissions, various referrals, medical admissions, family breakdowns and a whole host of other things. Now because of my stupid eating disorder consuming me I'm going to lose that key worker that has helped hold me up when times have got really tough. I understand I can't become dependent on one person and I never would because at the end of the day I can only change and look after myself. It doesn't stop me from feeling a little at a loss though and wondering if there is a cure or better way of life with this dreadful illness.

I am feeling pretty run down and hate to be miss negative so lets take a look at the brighter things in life. The weather! Its been a glorious week with sunshine and we have had some almost t shirt weather. Has spring sprung? Is Summer approaching? I certainly hope so.

I ran a half marathon on Tom my favourite treadmill in the gym

Met my wonderful friend for diet cokes & coffee in a russian cafe

The bathroom has lovely decor walls and I couldn't resist taking a snapshot

Shopping trips with mother managed to score 3 nike tops for £10 

I have also been studying a lot and looking after my poorly cat as he was a bit unwell this week. He is on the mend though so worry not! My wallet however has taken a beaten but its for Darcy kitty and he is much more settled than he was last weekend :)

This weeks plans

Study 

Seeing my Dad! He is coming to Glasgow!

Charity shopping with my favourite bargain hunter

Decorating my bedroom (yes its going to be PINK)

Usual appointments

Running if my legs allow it

Try to BLOG a little more

Purrr

Darcy hasn't featured on my bloggy for a while so he thought he would drop by and say 'meow' <3

This week has been mediocre in fact its been a little bit worse than that but I don't want to bring everyone down right before the weekend. I tend to hold back here because I worry about triggering others and would worry if anyone thought what I did was right. Without going into detail its fairly obvious I've been stuck for a while and have deteriorated mentally these past few months. I'm concerned about expressing where I'm really at because I don't move forward and feel like I've hit a brick wall. The upshot of this is it looks like the majority of support and guidance is going to be taken away. This terrifies, upsets and makes me question a lot. Firstly I have the whole 'I'm not bad enough to get help which is why its being taken away' but I understand thats not really the case. Its a combination of things like lack of funds, the pros haven't been able to help and I've actually got worse rather than better  and the most vital is that I have no idea what I want. I would like to say I see myself doing this, that and the next thing but I genuinely have lost hope, drive and motivation. Fuck... reading a book and updating the blog seems taxing at times which is hilarious considering the amount of miles I'm reaching each week. Joking aside I really don't know where I go from here and I feel really caught in a tight web of destruction and because my positivity dwindles I feel pretty darn hopeless. 

In other news I have the swimathon tomorrow which I'm dreading because given my injury my time is likely to be worse than last year and swimming 5k last year was hard enough. Then again its the taking part that counts and I've raised some money for marie curie!  I get to see mother which always brightens me up when we spend short periods of time together. I say short because being SO alike we start to collide and end up going in a cream puff with one another. I do love the times I get to see my mother because she is quite good at cheering me up with her kooky crazy ways. 

Uh yeah. I need to foam roll and stretch it out with some yoga so for now I'm signing off.

Love Love Love

Winter

So everyone has been talking about the crazy weather! also I noticed a lot of my posts relate to the current climate... how exciting! The snow makes people go a little bonkers (myself included). Its been as low as - 10 and created havoc here in Glasgow... the shops closed early, the gym closed early, people panic bought which meant carrots were in short supply D: forget bread & milk I need my beta carotin! The pavements became ice rinks and it is absa- friggen- lootly freezing. 

I still ventured out one winters day and got myself...

some spaghetti squash (!!!)

the good thing about this weather is it makes everything look pretty

and definitely adds to that 'Christmas feeling' :)

In other news it was my Birthday on Sunday and I am now pushing 25 at grand age of twenty four years old.  I got some new trainers, perfume, jewellery and lots of other lovely jubbly gifts. I had a bit of a rubbish day falling off my bike 3 times, finding out the swimming pool was closed and body attack was cancelled. My birthday day was brightened when I met with Julie for birthday coffee and shopping which just made me forget the rubbish and enjoy the remainder of the day.

The festive period is generally really stressful and I am really feeling the pressure and anxiety is at quite a high level right now. It is just one day and everything will be back to normal before we know it so I am making it my task this Christmas to enjoy the day. After all it only occurs once a year! I am playing Christmas host this year which is exciting and very scary but I think (hope) I have everything organised. Today I went for last bits & bobs and the world has officially gone Christmas mad. Wow I am exhausted just writing about it all! So with a sprinkle of cinnamon in my high lights and another lot of things ticked off the to-do list... its time for my bed.

A picture that makes you feel

This photograph was taken while on a trip to Venice in 2008 and its makes me feel happy, inspired, hopeful and free. The reason? I travelled Italy alone, I met wonderful people, I wasn't chained to a gym and I was in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Today I struggled and I can't live with feeling this exhausted, ill, frightened and scared anymore. I am so unhappy and consumed by an illness. I have let anorexia take my identity and I have let it define me as a person. I don't know who I am anymore and use this awful eating disorder as a mask denying my own self to flourish. It has left me with a mere existence and I can't cope with the pressure it has on me on a hourly basis. I am falling apart physically and mentally so I need to commit to make changes starting with tapering back this week. No matter what I need to cut down as I want to do the 10k this weekend and I have a feeling if I don't sort out my nutrition and exercise compulsion NOW then I won't be doing very much at all never mind running any races. After my run I ditched swimming today because I was a mess and yes I did feel insanely guilty but I'm still here, the world did not end and I didn't have to endure cold pool water. Its wake up call after wake up call at the moment and the fact a local shop keeper where I get my water commented on the fact I do far too much is a sign that its time to challenge this habit of mine.

Small steps guys small steps...

Love

B

A moment

... or a few

This is a toughie because there has been many and I have sworn I will turn a corner and 'make changes' and all intentions are there but I never follow through.

Recently a scary a moment shook me up and made me realise I need to make changes. The bug incident a few weeks ago followed by a funny turn in the gym on Tuesday. I felt a little funny I say a little but I had really bad chest pain and thought its just a stitch and kept running. I was finishing up with a rowing session when a good friend basically told me I had gone a chalk white and it was time I stopped working out and took an energy drink. I examined the label of the zero electrolyte drink like a crazed maniac and realised how stupid I must have looked. This little person about to drop down from sheer exhaustion worrying over a few calories!

Wednesday I went to the salad bar in Waitrose and heart-ached over what salad to get... I swayed for a while, left the store, had a think then finally asked for a party snack bowl for a miniature salad. The whole time I was thinking 'this is ridiculous' I had done an enormous amount of exercise and I was getting upset over salads! Its not like it was a chocolate fondue fountain!

Today. The clincher! I went for an ECG and it came back abnormal, doctors were called, blood tests were carried out and three people had to agree it was okay to let me go home.

This illness really does chip away at you and I do know some of the reasons I won't let go but I reckon we all have to do things we don't like but its for the best otherwise well...

I have acquired a collection of moments and I just hope these are all the warning push me in the right direction. I feel terrible for letting people down and bringing down my bloggy but hey! life isn't always smelling of roses.

Love

B