No let up

Sunny Glasgow town

I swear you would think I make up half the stuff on this blog as it just seems to be doom followed by gloom followed by doom. I'll get the bad stuff out the way first so we can end this post on a good note...

My beautiful grandmother aged 88 died last Monday evening due to heart failure. It was completely unexpected as despite her ailments she was really mobile and had a more active social life than myself. We have been blessed in our family that we have never lost a close member which has made this bereavement even harder to deal with.

I felt in shock about the death and proceeded to continue as normally as one could but I felt really unwell. I put it down to the fact I've never lost a loved one and that I would feel okay again by the weekend. Well that didn't happen! I got progressively worse when my temperature sky rocketed, I felt completely disorientated and was unable to keep anything including water in my system. On Friday I woke up with tracking up my leg and an incredible painful foot so an emergency appointment and half an hour later I was diagnosed with celluitus and sent packing with 12 antibiotics per day. I was told it could of turned into blood poisoning and if I had left it any longer I would of been hooked up to an IV for antibiotics. However this still remains a possibility because I am not healing as fast as I should be so keep everything crossed my body bounces back within the next 48 hours.

Brighter things! The girl well or I should say lady with the red hair is my younger sister Chloe! Graduating in Film & Media studies with a huge 2:1 :) Our proud parents and I went to her graduation last week which was lovely and the sun was shining all day for her ♥

Why what on earth is in here you ask?

 One ball of amazingness

Oatmeal cookie

Chocolate nana muffin

All made lovingly by my wonderful gym buddy bestie Sarah ♥

I'll be swimming in the pool and will catch her sneaking a cutesy tuppaware box under my soap bag. The rest of the swim I wonder what magical creation Sarah has cooked up and look forward to having a peak before I've even hit the showers. She really is a sweetheart :)

My other goodie great news is............. drumroll

dun 

dun 

duuuuun

I passed my fitness Anatomy and Physiology level 2 theory course with 86% mark

I had kept it quiet that I had started the course and was due to sit my exam because I was feel all superstitious and was worried I was going to fail but I didn't!!!! I passed with probably my best mark for an exam (I'm more an essay girl) ever :D

So its good news bad news week and I've tried my best to steer away from being a Debbie Downer and I hope you can all hang round during this difficult time. I am still reading all your blogs and appreciate every comment and great support from you lovelies.

Crazy times

I think its a given that ain't your typical blog once, twice, three times a day girly so I'll give the apologies for my absence a miss today ;)

Lets see! Last time I updated I was starting to feel quite good and had a relatively pleasant week. Its been brought to my attention by a few people that they don't get the full picture of me from reading my blog. I do keep a lot of stuff to myself because its a public and because I wouldn't want anyone to replicate anything I do. I still struggle with an ED and I am by no means recovered and don't know if I ever will be. I have a lot of bad habits, rituals and obsessions that I don't think need to be displayed on the internet because I'm worried of making a fool of myself but also I wouldn't want someone to feel triggered or upset. What do you think? Should I be more honest? Is there anything you would like to see in the blog?

Recently things have been completely and utterly...(I want to swear, will I swear?) shit. What can I say? it slipped out...

Now to those that know me its no big secret that I love to clean! No really! I love to tidy up, hoover, mop, polish and steam clean. The last one not so much after my sunshine yellow steam cleaning friend is now an enemy after it blew up in my face. The lid came flying off, spurted water out along with boiling hot steam right towards my eyes. Screaming in agony I went to my neighbors home who got me straight to a&e where they seen me in 4 minutes flat because I was howling in so much pain. Painkillers, ibuprofen, tramadol and 15 minutes later I was a little calmer. Found out I was incredibly lucky that it was superficial burns and I was still able to see okay. I think more than anything I was really shaken up and frightened. That pain was unbearable though and for the first time in a very long time I didn't think about food, exercise, anorexia all I could think about what getting rid of the pain. Blessing in disguise? hmm! however it did slow me down and stop me in my tracks. My heart goes out to people that have to live with pain in their life and it just goes to show how quickly things can just blow up (no pun intended) in a split second. Least I'll have good pores and have decided chemical peels off my list of things to try ;)

Next on the list of crappy things is my most treasured possession was taken from me... thats right guys some loser stole my iPhone. Here are some of the photos I managed to save before my dear phone was taken from me...

My latest Nike triax running shoes! A lot of folks knock nike but these babies have got me through my longest runs and what's it they say... if it ain't broke don't fix it!

My favourite cross training/ comfortable/ kicking about trainers because they are pretty and pink :)

Finally my cat needs to see a therapist and yeah you read that right! My cat has some form of ADD and general behavioral issues so after numerous vet trips, feliway diffuser, more attention, etc he is still wreaking havoc in my home. The vet actually suggested I contact a therapist for him which I have to laugh about because only I would end up with a cat in therapy too!

A&E

I was out running and something nipped my arm... a midgie! (aka punkies, irratating, annoying, other undesirable words). Now! Any normal person would be okay that nothing a little after bite won't solve. Unless you are me! Oh yes I'm allergic to bites and take quite the cracking reaction combined with my none existent immune system equate to quite a fair degree of pain. It started as a little itch but became sore and swollen on the soft side of my arm. I'm a fighter so plowed on with the following days activities but as the day went on it got worse. It looked like someone had gotten a bit peckish and nibbled my arm (it wasn't me... honest!). Anyway the red started to spread and I felt quite out of sorts and was advised by the pharmacist to pop into a&e.

Accident & Emergency was jam packed which is to be expected on a Friday night but for some reason they took me in immediately. I felt really overwhelmed and started to cry... I was crying because a midge had bitten me! Seriously?! Yeah... seriously. The doctors started trying to push me to drink lucozade that rotten fizzy funny coloured drink. I was kinda of unaware at the time but I was there about one thing and they were looking at another. My eating disorder. After a protest that I do not want or need to be put on a feeding drip nor do I want to go into a unit again so I was relived when they finally looked at my arm. I was given antibiotics and after a long discussion was allowed to go home with my mother.

On reflection and after a lot of talking round in circles (as per usual) I have realised that I can't live like this anymore. A miniscule thing happened and it almost tipped my body over the edge. I am constantly on this knife edge between recovery and debilitating relapse. This was made perfectly clear by all the fuss I caused on Friday night. I don't like drama and prefer to hide away from people so I need this shake up. I may not want to gain weight, I'm scared what people will say, the anorexia wants to hold on to me but it scared me to even write this but I need to take the steps to rearrange my life. I'm miserable, sore and exhausted and the least of my worries which triggered all this I have a unsightly huge red dot on my arm. As much as we curse these little creatures I should probably say thanks... thank you, cheers mr midge for reminding me what I need to do.