My Paradise

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Imagine a large island one side has a beach with the sunshine and the other side is slopes with crisp snow. Both sides have a heated swimming pool, a collection of nice people, fruit and vegetables, pink taps dotted about the place that pour chilled pepsi max, there are perfect running routes, luxurious hot showers and amazing gym facilities. There is a shopping mall that let you have anything you wish for so that outfit that you have made up in your head but wouldn't be able to find anywhere well don't worry its here! The cooler side of the island has log cabins with warm fires, out door jacuzzis and the most cosy bed you have ever slept on. The sunnier side has villas, gorgeous gardens, more pools, dolphin friends to swim with and soft comfy queen size beds. Money isn't an issue, body issues are non existant, people are lovely, there is no judgement and everyone has someone to hug.

On that note I hope I visit my paradise tonight when I fall asleep which should be shortly as my eyes are rather heavy.

Love

B

Stuck

I have a few important decisions to make after my latest appointment... basically I have been advised to go in patient again as my exercise regime is slightly out of control & my intake hasn't increased. I don't want to leave my surroundings and my cat so I really think I need to use this to be a bit more open about how things really are.

I pay way too much attention to what people say and take things to heart like a total baba. The most recent ones on my appearance have greatly upset me and feel like I am being judged or something? Having maintained a low weight for a while I guess people are used to seeing me therefore I am petrified to gain weight in fear of what people will say or think I'm a terrible person for giving in. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I'd be failing and I would hate to be a failure. My eating disorder and exercise addiction has completely consumed my life and isn't healthy by any standard. Yet I feel like I'm not as bad as other people with the same/similar problem and don't need the help and eventually it will be okay. I paste on my brave face, smile, blush and try to pretend that everything really isn't that difficult or hard. However inside I am struggling and feel so ambivalent about what I should do.

How does one deal with remarks on weight etc? looking 'well' is the one I find hardest to take on board which is silly but I'm being such a girl right now.

Photo happy cat meow posts soon

B