Darcy hasn't featured on my bloggy for a while so he thought he would drop by and say 'meow' <3
This week has been mediocre in fact its been a little bit worse than that but I don't want to bring everyone down right before the weekend. I tend to hold back here because I worry about triggering others and would worry if anyone thought what I did was right. Without going into detail its fairly obvious I've been stuck for a while and have deteriorated mentally these past few months. I'm concerned about expressing where I'm really at because I don't move forward and feel like I've hit a brick wall. The upshot of this is it looks like the majority of support and guidance is going to be taken away. This terrifies, upsets and makes me question a lot. Firstly I have the whole 'I'm not bad enough to get help which is why its being taken away' but I understand thats not really the case. Its a combination of things like lack of funds, the pros haven't been able to help and I've actually got worse rather than better and the most vital is that I have no idea what I want. I would like to say I see myself doing this, that and the next thing but I genuinely have lost hope, drive and motivation. Fuck... reading a book and updating the blog seems taxing at times which is hilarious considering the amount of miles I'm reaching each week. Joking aside I really don't know where I go from here and I feel really caught in a tight web of destruction and because my positivity dwindles I feel pretty darn hopeless.
In other news I have the swimathon tomorrow which I'm dreading because given my injury my time is likely to be worse than last year and swimming 5k last year was hard enough. Then again its the taking part that counts and I've raised some money for marie curie! I get to see mother which always brightens me up when we spend short periods of time together. I say short because being SO alike we start to collide and end up going in a cream puff with one another. I do love the times I get to see my mother because she is quite good at cheering me up with her kooky crazy ways.
Uh yeah. I need to foam roll and stretch it out with some yoga so for now I'm signing off.
Love Love Love
it's ok ... we all get there. in fact I've been there for several weeks now- what helped me was reading Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth. If you're a reader i highly recommend checking it out. Some of it's dry but the chapter 'hunger' is so insightful. probably the best 'support' i've ever gotten for recovery.
ReplyDeleteof course different things work for different people. hang in there. good luck on your swim!
Allow yourself to write...
ReplyDeleteAllow it.
The picture is stunning.
The services thing, gah!
I have been ill, like really ill, and still offered nada.
So I know it is a common thought in eating disorders etc that we feel it is we are not sick enough, it is the bloody government and the fact it is a god damn post code lottery.
You are deserving and if you are being restricted help, be sure to write here xxxx
Pssst, you look poorly in the fitness pictures, please take care xxxx
@Tiger
ReplyDeleteThank you sweets and welcome to the blog :) I like dry so I'll def check it out.
@Sia Jane
ReplyDeleteCan you believe its an iPhone photo? gotta love apps.
Thank you so much for you encouragement but I'm sure you would regret saying it if I really got back into the swing of things ;) I ramble... a lot!
I've been told by my team that I'm stuck and not willing to change as fast as they would like therefore I'm wasting money.. Thats how I see it anyway but apparently thats my 'black & white thinking'. Gah!
Hope you're well angel
xxx
Here if you you need a friend sweeti..x
ReplyDeleteI really hope that you can find a way out of the web...or at least glimpse the sun through the tangle.
ReplyDeleteHave fun with you moms and remember it's not over. Try and find hope. I am searching for it too.