I don't know who else to talk to but I'm having a meltdown and my mums driving over to come pick me up (at least I hope so). I woke up this morning and went back to sleep, got my running things on, fell asleep and I'm just so done. I phoned my mum to ask if it was okay if I didn't run today and have just been bawling ever since.
I haven't taken a 'rest' day properly in... I can't remember how long. People take one weekly and I can't seem to get my head round doing that. God! I'd be lucky if I allowed myself one yearly. I need this but I feel sick with myself. I know if I head to the gym I'll set myself up for a week of crying in the toilets and feeling worse than before oh yeah! let us not forget making a complete idiot of myself which I'm dead good at ;)
I don't really know the purpose of this post but I'm really struggling and have let everything overcome my every being again. I know this isn't an easy path and its would be simpler to just give up and give in to the disorder. I would also be selfish, destructive and weak to run off down the path of anorexia instead of facing thing. Fighting it rather than submitting will hopefully bring me to a better place than I find myself now...
This far through recovery I battle like hell with myself to 'allow' myself rest days.
ReplyDeleteI feel so unproductive and think of all I 'could' be doing.
But you know, we have to allow it.
Be good to yourself beautiful girl xxxx
Hey girl. I hate to hear that you're having a meltdown. :( Life is hard, especially when you're dealing with something that most people can't empathize with you about. Take a rest. Just keep telling yourself that you need it. Believe me, I'm the same way...I refuse to let myself rest. I get too anxious as well. Sometimes you need to push past that anxiety and remind yourself that you need the rest. It's hard. It's going to be hard for a long time. But the more that you fight back, the stronger you become. Not only physically stronger, but mentally and emotionally. I know you can do it. And don't forget, I'm always here when you need someone to talk to. :)
ReplyDeleteTake care, darling.
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI hope things are a bit better now.
I know how hard it is to either (a) fight the disorder or (b) actually give into it when you don't want to. Neither work. But I think you made a WONDERFUL decision, and I hope your Mom was able to relieve some of the nerves freak!out over it.
Keep struggling. I'm told that eventually things get easier.
*hugs again*
Oh sweet,
ReplyDeleteI totally relate, even though I dont run, days of "rest" are tough.
Stick with it. Your body and your mind NEED it
x
You can do it Bee!!!! You really can! And you deserve every good thing, including rest!
ReplyDeleteI send hugs from a random stranger!