Sunday, 15 May 2011


I don't know who else to talk to but I'm having a meltdown and my mums driving over to come pick me up (at least I hope so). I woke up this morning and went back to sleep, got my running things on, fell asleep and I'm just so done. I phoned my mum to ask if it was okay if I didn't run today and have just been bawling ever since.

I haven't taken a 'rest' day properly in... I can't remember how long. People take one weekly and I can't seem to get my head round doing that. God! I'd be lucky if I allowed myself one yearly. I need this but I feel sick with myself. I know if I head to the gym I'll set myself up for  a week of crying in the toilets and feeling worse than before oh yeah! let us not forget making a complete idiot of myself which I'm dead good at ;)

I don't really know the purpose of this post but I'm really struggling and have let everything overcome my every being again. I know this isn't an easy path and its would be simpler to just give up and give in to the disorder. I would also be selfish, destructive and weak to run off down the path of anorexia instead of facing thing. Fighting it rather than submitting will hopefully bring me to a better place than I find myself now...


  1. This far through recovery I battle like hell with myself to 'allow' myself rest days.
    I feel so unproductive and think of all I 'could' be doing.
    But you know, we have to allow it.
    Be good to yourself beautiful girl xxxx

  2. Hey girl. I hate to hear that you're having a meltdown. :( Life is hard, especially when you're dealing with something that most people can't empathize with you about. Take a rest. Just keep telling yourself that you need it. Believe me, I'm the same way...I refuse to let myself rest. I get too anxious as well. Sometimes you need to push past that anxiety and remind yourself that you need the rest. It's hard. It's going to be hard for a long time. But the more that you fight back, the stronger you become. Not only physically stronger, but mentally and emotionally. I know you can do it. And don't forget, I'm always here when you need someone to talk to. :)

    Take care, darling.

  3. *hugs*

    I hope things are a bit better now.

    I know how hard it is to either (a) fight the disorder or (b) actually give into it when you don't want to. Neither work. But I think you made a WONDERFUL decision, and I hope your Mom was able to relieve some of the nerves freak!out over it.

    Keep struggling. I'm told that eventually things get easier.

    *hugs again*

  4. Oh sweet,
    I totally relate, even though I dont run, days of "rest" are tough.
    Stick with it. Your body and your mind NEED it

  5. You can do it Bee!!!! You really can! And you deserve every good thing, including rest!
    I send hugs from a random stranger!