Thursday, 10 March 2011

Burnt Out

I have just done double spin and went to the gym to run and I just couldn't do it. I just feel pretty darn terrible right now... I have a cracking headache, sore joints, painful knees and I think I've hit a wall. I am so exhausted and I am so scared to take one day off... The last time I took a day off was when I was taken to hospital and didn't have a choice in the matter. In fact the past few years the only time I have taken a day off is because I was carted off to the hospital.  Its kinda funny really well its not but hey! least I can laugh about the fact I'm 100% bananas.

On a serious note though I feel extremely rough and I am living in the fear that I'm going to aggravate injury which will stop me from running. People suggest cross training and thats fine for some people but I pretty much have this all or nothing attitude and feel like if I can't run then there is no point in doing any exercise. Running and swimming are my two need to do activities to feel like I've worked out and I can't seem to shift that feeling right now. It would be good if I could shift the negativity because the way my knees are feeling I won't be able to run for much longer.

Everything has just become too much of late and I am struggling more than a little. Basically I keep comparing myself to others and its making me really hate my own body and scrutinize each and every detail of myself. I am so hyper aware of this feeling that if anyone dare say anything that reinforces this feeling then I go into complete meltdown. I have cried so many times this past week over itty bitty things and just can't cope with feeling so emotional especially in front of people. It makes me feel weak and silly or a pathetic attention seeker. To avoid the latter I put my head down, went to my locker, got my things and cycled home with tears streaming down my face hoping if anyone seen they would believe it was rain splash.

Weight wise I have stayed the same and although I know I need to gain weight I don't want to. If people comment on my weight I get this horrible lurch in my stomach and I just feel sick. I don't know how I am going to push past this feeling to get to a better place and I can't expect the world to tip toe round me. However I do wish people would keep their weight related comments to themselves and mind their own business. Good, bad or indifferent I just don't want to hear comments on my appearance at all. I pick apart myself as much as it is and don't need people to confirm my disordered thoughts as it triggers me to  attack myself. Which leaves me the only loser at the end of the day and I can't keep beating myself up like this because I no longer have a life as it is and the harder I am on myself the more miserable I will be.

So how do I change it? How do I push past this woe is me feeling? How do I deal with weight issues? How do I deal with the comments? I have no idea and from past experience these overwhelming thoughts will pass but when you are stuck in it like I am right now it feels desperately sad and lonely.

Sorry for this open my heart to the world post but I just can't keep these feelings locked up and hope by opening up a little more then perhaps I can start to heal.


  1. I could have written this heart feels the same way.

  2. I wish I had some advice for you doll (and for the lovely Missy above, who's blog I stalk!)
    It's so hard,
    and I know for me, change didn't and couldn't come till I hit rock bottom and something clicked. In truth it clicked a bit before that but I was powerless to change it myself...

    I think what I was/am trying to say is listen to your heart,
    listen deep and hard and seek that "click". Every little bit of extra calorie, 1 minute less exercise etc is a great achievement and all adds up to bigger and better things.
    The comments are hard, and it is sad and lonely but there will always be someone here for you
    (I know I am)

    Love you sweetie xox

  3. @Missy

    all my love angel & know you aren't alone

  4. @daisychain

    Thank you so much sweetie. I thought the last rock bottom would of lessened the grip on me and it did for a while but anorexia has a habit of playing things down.

    I wish the click would just happen and I know there has been times I would feel the change but then I revert back. Knowing and seeing how much happier you are gives me so much hope and I am determined not to quit fighting back against this horrible disorder.


  5. I hope you can get some rest and healing time soon. Honestly, I could have written everything in this post and your pain is palpable: I hope my expressing concern over your appearance didn't contribute to your distress and I sincerely apologise if it did.

    Praying the injury heals for you: I was intending to run Edinburgh but haven't sorted travel plans and arrangements yet ~ will get back to you when I do but don't push things to run the half if you're injured.



  6. I hope you don't have to hit rock bottom in order to listen to that part of you that craves the rest. Hang in there. Hugs and hopes for better times soon. Be brave. Being healthy takes balls. Be careful about the injury, and mostly be kind to yourself.


  7. @~Jessica~

    Oh gosh no! It was combination of comments from real life folk 'Your face looks PUFFY' is one and comparisons to someone else with anorexia. Apparently if you don't look like you are about to collapse then people assume you don't have an ED and it isn't a daily struggle. We know that isn't true but some of the general public perception is downright ignorant. It makes me want to hide away.

    Thanks for you support honey xxx

  8. Big virtual hugs from across the world wide net from a visitor! I can't imagine how difficult things are for you, but well done for what you have achieved so far and as Miss Daisychain says above, every tiny step is great- Many drops make an ocean!
    I really love your William Morris-style background by the way- please can I decorate my bedroom with it!?